Yesterday, come and gone, but still lingers in the air like the smoke from a cigarette. I had an incredibly challenging day yesterday, and sorta felt defeated and released at the same time. My ambitions to try and save this town continue to get stepped on, but I'm like a Bozo Clown; I bounce back harder with each punch to the face.
Community Garden:
To get a community garden together would require at LEAST Four dedicated people to help ORGANIZE it. This is beyond the grunt work of plowing the land, creating planter boxes and whatnot. THis is sitting down, agreeing to terms amongst the organizers and then putting it to action. The likelihood of this happening? Actually more likely than you'd think. It's just a matter of getting people together. But part of me is feeling like "oh shit, you're doing it again." Piling my stuff up TOO high again. Is the group going to rely on ME strictly because I'm the one that got us together? Oye. What to do?!?!?!?
Then there's school. I'm actually feeling excited about going back. I'm getting much better about going to Santa Rosa lately and am starting to feel like my usual, strong and independent self again. It helps tremendously that Jesse is going back to school, so I definitely feel secure. A little nervous about my new classes, but I've kept two old teachers who are familiar with me and my whole situation. I'm looking forward to getting back in the darkroom and making more art! I'm also looking forward to dancing with my girl Tia in HipHop2. I'm looking forward to having something to read, not that I don't read. Actually just started "The Mermaid Chair" and am liking it.
Jesse joined the wrestling team and it already having a blast! I'm so happy that he'd finally zoned in on something that brings him a sense of self-worth and belonging. I love that it fits really well into our schedules, so there' really no sacrificing on anybody's part. And the best part is when we're at school, I have a whole 2 hours to kill before he's out and we can go home. I'm actually pretty excited about that, too, 'cause what better way to knock out homework than to be stuck at school for two hours? I'm also happy about it because it gives me time to go job on the track, which I've been missing. I can even take a shower on campus! Wow, I'm more excited about it than I realized.
SO today there's no definite plans, except for a Historical Society meeting (which I LOVE!). I get to present a brochure I made and get some input. I'm feeling like things are rolling, I just need to learn how to balance on the ball while juggling. Nonetheless, accomplishment is inevitable.
Oh man! Last year, when I was teaching, I had 3 hours from when Jim started to when I started. I went to the gym, I plugged my headphones into the elliptical, and I worked out on the thing for 45 minutes, then 30 minutes on the treadmill, then took a looooooong shower, with no time limits on the hot water, and no people of any age or size needing me, or hurrying me to get done, no crises erupting that I had to deal with. I got to get completely dry, use lotion, dry my hair, put on just a bit of make-up for the, ahem, professional presentation, and feel all good and put together and relaxed when I headed to my office to have lunch before I headed to my classroom.
ReplyDeleteWhat a marvelous thing that semester was! I miss the gym at school. Too far, no childcare, too meds sick this year. And I'm not teaching, so there's all this annoying paperwork to do for me to use Jim's membership. Stuck in GR. Oh well. Last year of this! Yay!
But yes, dear, I used to say, thinking is bad for your mental health. If you do it too much, it makes you crazy. And I find that still to be true. I've gotten myself out of the overanalysis of things, mostly. Jim is really good at that, and we only need one of us to do it. :-)
Have faith in your strong, confident self. Just go do it. The more you do whatever it is, the easier it will be. Just like driving over bridges, or merging onto a freeway. Remember the terror the first time you took a car up to 70, and had to get on a highway with big trucks? And how it became easy and comfortable with time? These are the memories that can help with the relearning the comfort and ease. You know you can do it... you have proof... you've done it! Avoiding can definitely create power in the anxiety, and the more you avoid, the easier it is to keep avoiding. So confront! Remember, you're the one with the backbone...
LOL couldn't resist... oy. But I feel you. I do. I've developed some social anxiety here from finding it difficult to find folks to hang with that I can at all relate to. And the friends I do have I find it difficult to really talk about my feelings and what we/I've gone through coming to terms with the Connor/Cassady thing, and so I've totally isolated myself from even most of my good friends here. I think it'll be easier in a community where we more fit in just as people, but where that history wasn't witnessed, and we're just Jim and Zoë and Connor. But it's weird. And awkward. And uncomfortable. So I mostly avoid social situations. Which for me is just not a thing I do. So, I'm working on it too. Making myself go to things, inviting friends over. Getting back out in the world. And with only 3 weeks left of treatment (YAY!!!), getting out will get easier and easier.
Do you like how I write fucking novels? Concise has never been a strong suit.