"P" for Persevere

There was absolutely no reason today for me to be feeling anxious, and yet there it was. Took quite a bit of breathing and affirmations to calm myself down, and my day hadn't even really started yet. I keeping thinking and thinking and planning and thinking, never letting my fucking brain to have any rest; no slow moments. And today's little attack came from a moment of fast-paced thinking and no real trigger of any sort. Yet there it was, making itself known to me at any opportunity.

I keep wondering to myself how much longer can I go on like this? I feel like I need to RUN or Kick-box myself into a state that is no longer anxious: what is it that I fear? Death? Why should I fear death? When I think about it, I'm not scared, making the anxiety attacks seem pretty pointless. Either way, there's a part of me, an imprisoned part, that's sitting inside me screaming at me, telling me to get over it, that I'm strong and there's NO REASON to be feeling this way! Gosh!!! I feel like I'm on the cusp of breaking this anxiety, and yet it keeps reaching me and dragging me back in.

What DID trigger me, however, was thinking about how LONG my day is. We wake at 7am, leave at 8am, get home a 6pm. That's 10 hours of being at school, out of my "zone." Ha! It IS my zone: it's my JOB to go to school, to learn, to become a successful businesswoman and take charge of the world. Right? Right???? So friggin' WHAT if my day is that long! I'm having fun! Dancing, having a great time in Business Class, developing my art and photographic eye, visiting with friends, enjoying some time to myself. What the fuck? Enjoy it, damnit! The cares of the world are too large for me to handle, with or without anxiety, AND it's not my responsibility.

I am an incredibly strong woman that deserves to move freely in the world without feeling like a prisoner of my mind. I am the one who carries the key to my cell, I'm the architect of the prison, I'm the one holding the dynamite that's going to blow it up. So why am I hesitating pushing the button???