Before and with God, but without God

"My Lord, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so." - Thomas Merton

I read this today in "The Mermaid Chair" and I found it so profound and comparable to what I'm experiencing. This morning, the anxiety tried to place it's stamp on the day, making its presence known every waking minute. In the past 4 months, I've learned that I have these "muscles" of thought in my mind and for most my life, I've been flexing them in the direction of surrendering to panic and negativity. Since the beginning of my recovery, I've been learning how to retrain these "muscles" to flex off the negative thoughts and feelings and literally swipe it away like the droplets of dew from the fog to a window.

The beginnings of the day are usually greeted with "what if?" and "I hope." These phrases don't help anything, but in fact are my muscles flexing into a negative, anxious state of mind. So today, I'm going to start off with the following affirmations:

"I CAN handle my anxious state of being today."

"This TOO will pass."

"Progress not perfection."

"Anxiety is grounded in emotions, not reality. Remember this when thinking with your heart."

"I am not in a dangerous place with dangerous people. I am safe and am capable of handling myself."

Perhaps much of what fuels anxiety is acknowledging it's even there in the first place! Sometimes my symptoms would get worse when I'd share with others how anxious I was feeling; maybe because I was telling myself I'm anxious and that I'm not stable and am unpredictable. Hmmm....food for thought, today.