The stress of trying to juggle the numerous projects I've signed myself up for have culminated in a Level 6 Anxiety Alarm of which too a LOT of breathing and relaxation to wind down from. The negative self-talk becomes very strong when that happens; I start telling myself I'm going to be this way forever, and I start imagining myself losing it, ending up in a hospital, the WHOLE nine yards. All the while I kept wondering, "why is this happening again?" I took a moment, and thought hard:
family
school
newsletter (work)
website (work)
area guide (work)
history walk
community garden
book
column
car issues
finding a new house
keeping my marriage together
counseling
...Hah, I've got a case of the "can't say no's." Hah....so, obviously there are some things that just CAN'T be disposed of. Well, the book is practically done, so I can cross that off the list. Counseling is a must and really should fall into the personal health category...and it's really the only thing on that list that is me taking care of me. Finding a new house is ALWAYS stressful, but honestly if my landlord told us that they weren't going to sell the house, I'd still be looking for a new house (or would I?). Community Garden....ha! It would fall onto my shoulders and I'm not prepared for that, and I don't think I ever will be. School is a must, on so many levels, but am I putting to much of a workload on myself? I won't know until I'm there, now will I? Family is constant, and will never change; so long as I maintain our rituals, I can remain close with them; and marriage is obvious. Work is a WHOLE other story...I really wish I wasn't the only one who knew how to email things or maintain the online Calendar or other tasks that are becoming too daunting and overwhelming. That won't happen unless a new, computer-oriented person is hired.
No wonder I have such anxiety. I measure my self-worth based on how many projects I can have going at the same time; the more I had, the more respect and attention I feel I deserve. I'm beginning to see how fallible this concept is and what it is doing to me, inside and out. I have this need to "save the world" but never think once that I CAN save the world by giving myself and my family the attention and energy that I waste on these other projects. It's self-serving and self-gratifying to successfully pull off projects; I have the biggest project of them all, and they're waiting for me to read them their stories in their beds.
I completly understand the way it feels to try and make the world around you feel better. I often think that if everyone around me is okay then i will be okay. Then when eveyone is happy and doing fine i find myself hiding in the closet away from everyone crying and thinking the world is over. I do so much of the same things that you do full time mother full time student a 6 year relationship with a train hopper who is bipoar scitzophrenic(dont open that can of worry worms) then on top of that all the extra activites that i do that help just define me(music, cross stitch ect.) At the end of of the day not being able to sleep. Your blog is awsome seeing how you talk about it make me feel like im not alone.
ReplyDeleteAmen. NO is a super-great word to learn. I highly recommend adding it to your vocabulary long before 35 or 40. Projects are wonderful, full plates are wonderful, but the kids and the family are the truly important things. Everything else will fall into place to at least some degree. If that falls apart, it all falls apart.
ReplyDeleteExternal validation is not worth the words it encompasses if you don't have internal validation and self-efficacy. Hell dude, I'm STILL working on taking care of myself. I'm going to be 45! But I'm doing it, and I'm ignoring calls from outside that would take that time away, or fill it with doing for others. I have to take time for myself, or I can't do anything for others OR the world. I have a very short list of things that I will agree to at this point. It may get longer as the kid gets older, but for now... home and hearth, man. Home and hearth.