Hump Day Notions: Sweating Success

Walking on the beautiful campus of the Santa Rosa Junior College with my husband is a newfound joy in my life, along with finding abandoned and funky little fairy-shaped Silly Bandz on the ground. Today I tackled yet again with my stellar capabilities to overcome the life-cripling anxiety that has become so prevalent in my life.

Today was also the kid's first day of school. Atreyu transitioned into 3rd Grade beautifully today, with his new teacher Mrs. Robinson (whom I also had as a science teacher in 5th Grade). Jadziah was the one I was most excited for, since she stepped foot from preschool into Kindergarten on this beautiful sunny day. The feelings of elation, coupled with overwhelming sadness, spread throughout my body. As we walked them to their class rooms and gave them good bye hugs and kisses, I said to Jesse, "Can I cry now?" He dutifully responded, "Just wait until we get to the car." Sigh.

Speaking of growing up fast, Jadziah has taken up the art of riding her bicycle, without training wheels. They spent about 20 minutes in the sweltering heat in the tennis courts practicing runs and the like. Talk about sweaty success! These kids had a total bad case of helmut hair.

What's a mother to do? THIS is why we continue to expand on the species! We're forced into this perpetuating cycle of needing them to have independence, and yet the trade off is they ultimately end up leaving us. Gee wiz!!! Why didn't anybody tell me this?! They all told me how hard it was going to be just to keep them alive! They didn't mention any of this heartbreak when they grow up and leave. Sigh, #2.

Delicious Successes!

Part of the best therapy for me has been tending to my garden. Almost every morning this summer, I would walk into the garden with my cup of tea and gaze at all the overnight changes. Some might say that I'm a bit crazy for thinking that I'd even notice any change after a mere 10 hours, but YOU try putting down some Bat Guano and not see the magic unfold before your eyes. Here's a photo collection of what we have yet to harvest from our humble garden:

Not to mention the hungry, hungry Anise Butterfly caterpillar that we've bee nurturing:

So now I'm going to part on this lovely day to continue with my homework and editorial duties, but I leave you with this video of my dream dog, who sits at my feet whining 'cause she can't join her boy, who's outside playing right now. Pity her, the poor thing.

Bye for now!

Progress

It's almost 11:00pm on a wonderful Sunday evening. Just wrapped up watching StarGate, the movie with the fam and now getting ready to snuggle down and fall asleep to (you guessed it!) StarGate SG-1. Hah!

As I sat there watching the movie, I wondered to myself if I would have the gutz to walk through the StarGate. Honestly, I'm not so sure if I would. Today we went to Armstrong Woods with the intent on hiking one of the trails. I haven't done this is over a year and honestly the thought about being out in nature, a good amount of distance from my home, was making me feel more than uncomfortable. When I mentioned to Jess that I'm not feeling much for going on a big hike, he let out a sigh of relief and said he wasn't up to it, either. Good, I thought, 'cause I wasn't sure how well I was going to handle it. So, to answer my question, if I were given the chance to walk through the StarGate today, I would not do it. Right now, my sense of adventure and discovery is clouded with the fog of my anxiety disorder. Best to wait for the fog to lift.

And it's not that these foggy days are taking over my life, infact I've experienced more sunny days than not. However, sometimes it's hard to "roll with the fog", so to speak. I'm still looking deep to try and figure out how I got this way. I've summed it up like this: according to all the pros on Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the onset of the anxiety began after a traumatic event that shook my emotional foundation; however, the stage was set, with a super high-stress lifestyle, including overloading myself with school work, extra activities and volunteer work, leaving little to no time for myself, and even my family. So my brain did what it had to, by shutting me down. Now, I still believe I made it worse when I started investing a "cure" in medications and started on those. I know, now, what I need to do to get better.

So how do I do that? Well, for the longest time, I had no hope because even though I was consistently exposing myself to anxious situations, I lacked a sensation of relief when I accomplished my goal. Lately, however, I've had tremendous progress, especially when I face my fear and go forward. Today was an exception, because I felt like I hadn't pushed myself because we did not go on the hike, so internally, I wouldn't allow myself the satisfaction of feeling accomplished. Yeah, I know. I'm working on it. But I do remember feeling better after we went to the DMV last week, and that was a HUGE amount of stress; it felt so good getting it done and over with, walking out of there intact, and moving on with my life. I've given myself permission to ask for help, ie. have Jesse come with me. I think, in a way, this is designed to bring us closer together, or some bullshit like that.

The point is now I've made so much progress that even my perfectionist-self cannot deny it. I still have my moments/days when I feel like it's the end of the world/I'm overloaded/overstimulated/never going to get better. But I have this great arsenal of tools at my disclosure. My recovery includes going to Al Anon meetings, seeing my counselor, expressing my feelings openly with those around me, eating right, exercising daily, enjoying something (ie going to the river, sewing, reading, etc.), spending quality time with my children, deep breathing, meditating, journaling, blogging, and when I can-exposing myself to anxiety-inducing situations. I'm on my way, and even in this moment of anxiety, I'm feeling awfully optimistic and empowered.

"I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth...

....at any tiyeeiyyeeeiiimmmeee!!!! Oooooh Feel Free!" - Alanis Morrisette

Yesterday, come and gone, but still lingers in the air like the smoke from a cigarette. I had an incredibly challenging day yesterday, and sorta felt defeated and released at the same time. My ambitions to try and save this town continue to get stepped on, but I'm like a Bozo Clown; I bounce back harder with each punch to the face.

Community Garden:

To get a community garden together would require at LEAST Four dedicated people to help ORGANIZE it. This is beyond the grunt work of plowing the land, creating planter boxes and whatnot. THis is sitting down, agreeing to terms amongst the organizers and then putting it to action. The likelihood of this happening? Actually more likely than you'd think. It's just a matter of getting people together. But part of me is feeling like "oh shit, you're doing it again." Piling my stuff up TOO high again. Is the group going to rely on ME strictly because I'm the one that got us together? Oye. What to do?!?!?!?

Then there's school. I'm actually feeling excited about going back. I'm getting much better about going to Santa Rosa lately and am starting to feel like my usual, strong and independent self again. It helps tremendously that Jesse is going back to school, so I definitely feel secure. A little nervous about my new classes, but I've kept two old teachers who are familiar with me and my whole situation. I'm looking forward to getting back in the darkroom and making more art! I'm also looking forward to dancing with my girl Tia in HipHop2. I'm looking forward to having something to read, not that I don't read. Actually just started "The Mermaid Chair" and am liking it.

Jesse joined the wrestling team and it already having a blast! I'm so happy that he'd finally zoned in on something that brings him a sense of self-worth and belonging. I love that it fits really well into our schedules, so there' really no sacrificing on anybody's part. And the best part is when we're at school, I have a whole 2 hours to kill before he's out and we can go home. I'm actually pretty excited about that, too, 'cause what better way to knock out homework than to be stuck at school for two hours? I'm also happy about it because it gives me time to go job on the track, which I've been missing. I can even take a shower on campus! Wow, I'm more excited about it than I realized.

SO today there's no definite plans, except for a Historical Society meeting (which I LOVE!). I get to present a brochure I made and get some input. I'm feeling like things are rolling, I just need to learn how to balance on the ball while juggling. Nonetheless, accomplishment is inevitable.