Showers

Lately I've been coming to so many realizations that it's amazing that the fiber of my very being hasn't been ripped to shreds. These epiphanies have created an overwhelming sensation of simultaneous ear and joy, like looking into the eyes of God and finally understanding everything. In these moments of pure clarity, I'm finding myself sitting on my bed, watching the rain fall from the redwood limbs high above me, smiling at the wonder of how was I so lucky to live in my dream?

In one month I will be the star attraction at two local venues in which I will sign away my name to the many admirers I have collected this past year. At first this seemed a daunting experience to behold, for I am not one to be comfortable in crowds (although I can manage!) and I certainly do not know quite what to do about all the positive attention I'll be receiving. I did read once, thought, that people with low self-esteem do not take compliments well, and in fact deter them from happening; keeping this in mind can be challenging, but on occasion I have actually remembered this and instead of turning my face away or rolling my eyes, I can muster up a "Thank You." Part of me feels that if I accept positive attention (or praise) then the giver is now owed praise by me as well, so I sometimes find myself digging up some gold on this person, throwing their praise to me right back at them. With this in mind, I will graciously accept my time in the limelight; bask in it even.

One of these epiphanies dawned on me a few months back but was enforced by a conversation today. Since I was a child, I have often been plagued by the anxieties surrounding the selection of a career, and maybe the extra emphasis placed on me by my parents hasn't helped much. I wanted to be a rock star, a teacher, an anthropologist, an artist; ultimately I wanted to be famous for SOMETHING; I wanted to be seen. I still do, however. This newfound fame I've achieved at such a young age has me worried about the aftermath when the bubble has popped. However, who's to say that it ever has to end if I hold myself up by grace and humility? And who's to say I can't do it again? and again and again? The conversation that took place today involved my friends planning my lie for me, saying if I write another and another and another that I'll end up working for the publishing company (something I NEVER thought about!). While I marveled at how they were living vicariously through me, the subjects didn't seem daunting or invasive of my family life: could I become a professional author? And, like, actually make real money? And not have to be subjected to welfare programs anymore??? Really? Really???!!! I had NO idea!! I'm already lined up for TWO projects; I just need to get the ball rolling once school is over with.

I can honestly say that I'm proud of myself, not just for these achievements, but also for my ability to have gotten through the biggest nightmare of my life. I can honestly say that I was sure I was heading somewhere bad, the place of no return, and I am forever grateful to the help I received, inside and outside. While I still experience anxiety symptoms my ability to handle them and make it through the day has improved a billion-fold! And not once has any drug slipped passed these lips to accomplish this!