Hail (Hell)

We stood there in awe as the skies pounded our unsuspecting deck and yard with little pebble-sized chunks of ice. It made me feel so microscopic, insignificant and terribly fascinated by this something of nature and just how beautifully out-of-control is was.

This beautifully coordinated dance of mother nature mimics much the same of how we humans coordinate amongst each other; in rhyme, reason or angst, we circle around one another, bleeding hearts or stealing thoughts from one another...

...oh, there I go again; what can I say? It's the poet in me!

I love feeling helpless against mother nature as she gives us her display of sheer power over the elements; today left me breathlessly anxious for more! It wasn't that long ago, during one of the rare thunder/lightning storms that my reaction deepened the symptoms of anxiety even further, rather than giving me that same helpless and yet excited feeling. Today felt great because for the first time in many many months, I was genuinely excited and thrilled to be witness to the event!

This journey I'm on has taken me to new places and given me the opportunity to have new people in my life. As usual, I'm tempted to jump headfirst into any new relationship that arises, and yet now I've experienced the unusual timidness that usually comes when I'm up against a very strong personality. I feel like I cannot be myself; that ME isn't good enough or something. Wow, what fucking bullshit that is! I guess, rather than needing to tune myself down, I need to get over my jealousies that cause me to feel this inadequate. Hell is inside yourself, waiting to take it's chance to swallow you up, and at the helm is YOU, driving the nail further.

I can finally feel a shift from the old me; it dawned on me that I'll be 26 this year, giving me that much more chance to push through the shroud of crap. This shift involves becoming more apathetic towards those who harmed me (you KNOW who you are!!!), being a more involved mother (for GOD'S SAKE Mommy needs alone time before she does that weird head-turny trick again), and developing new friendships. The friendships part is kinda freaky for me 'cause of my history with incorporating new people into my life. This includes, but isn't limited to, coordinating new friends and husband together; always adds to the fun!

Today I got to explore one of these new friendships today...ok, not gonna lie, freakin' me out 'cause I DO NOT want to fuck this up! Boy, why so insecure?! 'Cause I'm a psychotic bitch who couldn't leave her house for a month and has some serious "letting go" issues; why would somebody new want to be my friend? Oh wait, yeah....'cause I'm pretty fucking insanely awesome too, and fun and likes super-awesome cool shit. The best part, I think, is I don't need to change myself as in previous friendships. Nope; this bitch is being sold As Is.

Been coming to a lot of conclusions lately....friendships, my marriage, my kids, school, career....oye! the career! Why on Earth have I been at the Chamber for 5 years? Oh, 'cause for 4.5 of those years, it's been pretty awesome and fun! Now? Na, not really....not even tolerable anymore. So NOW WHAT?! Shit, now what is right!