Laughingly laughs

Here's some real belly busters I've found in my merry adventures on the Internets.

1. Europeans and Party Poopers

2. I wouldn't mind having some of them for Christmas.

3. Because THIS is what's wrong with our country.

4. Yet THIS is everything that's right with the country.

Brought to you by the Centers for Procrastination.  You may now return to your mind-numbing, pointless  homework assignments.

Bursting

Wow, it's been a while.  Sorry 'bout that all you imaginary readers out there.  You know who you are.

I've been sitting in bed for the past 2 1/2 hours pounding out some work on the Sonoma County Gazette's blog, periodically interrupted by my goofy, gropey husband and his wet slobbery kisses (I think he took lessons from a dog at some point in his life), Brown Cow yogurt with Vanilla Cherry Granola from Food For Humans swimming around in my belly, and the beginnings of a tension headache caused by GOD.KNOWS.WHAT!  I'm bursting at the seams with thought.

Thought #1: Why is my heart rate so high when all I've been doing is sitting in bed?
Good questions, ol' brain of mine.  The only logical explanation I can muster is that the usual process nowadays when I have an anxious thought is matched with an equally uncomfortable physical reaction.  What's that law of physics again?  Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Well, in my case, I think anxiously, my body reacts anxiously.  So then the question remains, why think anxiously? I dunno...I guess after a lifetime of always bomeranging to the land of Wort Case Scenario can set someone up for this pretty nasty habit.  GAWD how I miss cigarettes!

Thought #2: I want a cigarette!

It's been over 5 1/2 years since my last puff off a cigarette and believe me, it was for the better.  I was pregnant with my daughter, and having just quit, I swore I'd never go back.  Until anxiety kicked in.  Now I've read that stimulants such as sugar, caffeine and nicotine can make anxiety WORSE, and while I believe it, part of me (that junkie part) is trying to justify this urge because it will give me something else to obsess on.  Crazy right?  Boy do I WANT a cigarette!

Thought #3: Holy shit, it's almost Christmas time, yet it still doesn't feel like Christmas 'cause it's not raining cats and dogs!  
Seriously, this is March weather, cold but sunny.  NOT December!  That happy-fuzzy-Christmas feeling STILL hasn't sunk in.  I'm usually a total crafting basketcase this time of the year, but there's something in my internal clockwork saying, "Nope, not time to start making stuff, yet.  You still have plenty of time.  It's not Christmas!"  WTH???  Realistically, I've got about 1 week left and I haven't even started making my stuff.  First I start by making a list, and since I'm such a list-junkie I'm really surprised that hasn't happened yet!  Then more lists of what I need followed by lists of people to give, cookie ingredients, card ideas, crafty crafty crafty madness!  Oh, if only there were an extra 24 hours  in the day!

Thought #4: Making a living.
Five years ago, I was working weekends at the Chamber, brining my newborn baby girl to work with me.  I had my own apartment, Jesse has a decent job and life was easy and simple.  Life is still simple, and yet, I feel like I've outgrown it.  Like a pubescent girl wearing clothes that don't fit her anymore, I'm still so attached to the prospects of easy, simple living in a small town; but there's no money in that. Now I can rant and rave about how I hate money and wish we lived on a barter system and blah blah blah, but that fact is we don't and money is GOD and if you don't have any, then you suck (and apparently are evil, too).  And while I love what I do at my job, it just isn't enough to sustain myself and my family independent from assistance programs.  Unlike what most of America thinks about families on assistance, I have a desire to be rid of them FOR GOOD!  The lack of privacy or ability to drag yourself out of the depths of poverty is maddening and is what leads to fraud of the system.  I wish for the day when I get to call my worker and say, "Thanks for all you've done, but please remove me.  I can handle my own, now."  Five years and counting...things are seeming a bit dreary and hopeless.  I look to my inspirations, Dooce.com, Regretsy.com and DigThisChickMT.com for guidance.

Thought #5: Getting my ass moving on projects.
What causes laziness?  No, really, I'm serious/curious!  What possesses us humans to take all our potential and energy, ball it up in a nice neat package of depression and self-pity and shove it up our ass?  And then we SIT on our ass, just to make sure it doesn't escape.  Well, I don't know about you, but I'm one of the laziest people I know, and it is a mood thing.  Dreary mornings lead to lazy launches of the day; such as this one.  While not dreary, I'm slightly overwhelmed with the various projects I've left unfinished.  Time for a little constructive procrastination.  Set you mind to something, but do something else instead.  I suppose as long as you're doing something, it's not procrastination.  OH!  I know, I'll make another list!

Last Thought for the day (not really): Anxiety sucks but can be good for you.
[See TIME Magazine's Covers from Dec. 5th; pay close attention to the US cover!]
Those of you who've been following my blog since the beginning (or can at least maneuver through the archives) know that I have been living with a problem with anxiety for some time now.  The past few months (hence the no blogging) have been going really well, with minimal setbacks.  Last week's setback brought me to a place I didn't want to go to ever again: hopeless.  I kept beating myself up, saying that even after 1 year I'm still no better than I was before, blah blah blah.  Then I realized just how much I beat myself up.  I'm worse on myself than I am on anybody else!  If it's not perfect, it's a failure.  Wow!  Where did THAT come from?  Well, right now, that's not important (Mom & Dad), but what is important and that I realized all the many times I begged and pleaded with Life (God, Universe, whoever) to make me better, make me stronger, saner, nicer, happier, wiser...I got an answer.  My dealings with anxiety are daily, ongoing and exhausting because I'm constantly fighting the urge to panic.  I've often wondered what would happen if I just let it go?  After 14 months of trying to hold on, I'd say it's time I start letting go and letting God take over.  Hard habit to kick, I suppose.  Good thing I'm a quick learner.

Most Imperfect

Nope, no video this time.  Thought I might use my written talents to portray the thoughts whirling in my head this cold, rainy AM.

For as long as I can remember, I've had a terrible body image.  I looked at my body and thought it was ugly, imperfect and not worthy of celebration or admiration.  In fact, even now, the thought of having a picture taken sends me into panic; "will my double-neck show?"  "I've been eating a lot lately, I bet my face is getting fat."  "My pants aren't fitting right again, my "love handles" are spilling out everywhere."  For as long as I've had this body, it has never been perfect.  When I was 16, I forced myself to stop eating and would only eat when I was starving.  I remember feeling sick for months; I'd feel sick when I didn't eat and yet when I would eat, I'd vomit or feel like vomiting.  This didn't stop until I became pregnant at age 17.  Then I went from 140lbs to 200lbs.  I exploded.  And my skin....well, let's just say pregnancy did not agree with the young age of my skin.

The thoughts are endless...I look in the mirror and strive for perfection.  Why?  There's no need to be perfect!  Even now, in writing this, tears come to my eyes; all I want is to love my body and myself, why is that so elusive?

My sense of fashion is senseless.  A mishmash of clothing that I can barely afford to buy from thrift stores, sometimes I feel tomboyish when really I just want to feel beautiful.  I find it sad and frustrating that I haven't figured out a way to accomplish that WITHOUT clothing or some outside influence.  Last night, in a conversation with a really good friend, I felt that nagging feeling again.  The first in a very long time that I've worried about my weight and now I'm reeling, feeling guilty about all the bad foods I ate and the lack of exercise.  I felt inadequate, again.  I fell asleep in a very dark place; hating myself, hating this body I was given, hating that it will never be what I want it to be....and worse yet, that I will never accomplish that "perfect size."

This experience has opened my eyes.  While it seems that I haven't grown much in terms of learning to love my body and myself, I do seem to have acquired the ability to at least see the self-destructive behavior and could potentially stop it.  So, this morning, instead of logging onto SparkPeople and getting fanatic about "gotta lose the weight AGAIN!" I did a search; women like me.  I came across this video from the Ellen Show, and thought WOW!  While I have no aspirations ever in becoming a model myself, I would, however, love one day to use photography as a tool to help me ascend beyond these damaging thoughts.



I'm 165lbs, 5'6", have a bodysuit of stretch marks and wear a size 12/14.  I've been this way for 5 years, and while I've tried and worked hard to achieve a change in these numbers, there comes a point where I must open my eyes and realize that these numbers don't count.  What numbers DO count are my blood pressure (PERFECT!), my cholesterol levels (NORMAL!), my thyroid levels (NORMAL!), my glucose/insulin levels (NORMAL: NO DIABETES!), and the people that love me regardless of those other numbers (ALL OF YOU!).

At Armstrong with the Kiddos this summer.

I still wish to have a lifestyle that supports healthy habits, including eating organic foods, balanced meals, etc.  One day, that will happen, when the income changes occur.  For now, though, I'll continue doing the best I can, in my most imperfect way.

Feelings...

For the most part, today has been an ordinary day.  I've picked back up on a project that sort of took a backseat for a while, and got to sit down and watch an entire movie with my boy.  Every morning since school has started, the kids hop in the car and, like clockwork, Atreyu requests his new favorite song, "Hurrican" by Bob Dylan.  Any ol' version of the song with do, so long as it has that haunting violin track in there.  And of all the things he wanted to watch with me today, he asked to watch (for the second time, mind you) Hurricane, the Story of Ruben "Hurricane" Carter.  Now, I'm assuming those who are reading my blob are somewhat knowledgable and know the story of "The Hurricane."  If not, visit here.

So here we are watching the story of an amazing human being overcoming unbelievable racial prejudice, not to mention some serious mental issues (no doubt caused by a rocky childhood coupled with being wrongfully sentenced to Life in Prison).  Little did I know, that as the credits roll on Hurricane's happy ending, 3000 miles across the country, a life was ending; a life that most likely didn't need to end.

To save myself from any sort of backlash, honestly, I haven't a clue who Troy Davis was until about a week ago.  His story, not unlike Hurricane, is tragic and tugs at the heart strings.  And while this man was convicted of murder, the evidence is lacking, as in entirely!  In Carter's case, the evidence was flawed, tampered; in Davis' case, it just didn't exist.

So here are some of my ramblings about today:

If any of you haven't read the book "My Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn, you MUST!  He lays it out, in black and white, where we went wrong.  It started with putting the FOOD under lock & key, way back in Mesopotamia.  Execution is no stranger to humans, as well as rape, incest, burglary, and war.  I think the more willing we are to embrace the animalistic side of our humanity, the easier we will find it to be in balance.  BALANCE being the key word here.  I do not believe in Peace on Earth so long as humans inhabit the planet.  If we truly wanted peace, we'd eliminate ourselves.

These are just my opinions.

Things are gonna clear up...

...put on a happy face. :-)

Down in the Dumps...

...yup, the title says it all.  But, to my benefit, I see on many Facebook statuses that it was not only I who was having a shit of a day.

There's so much to be said for the relief ones feels when either writing or speaking IT out.  I do feel slightly better, although I know that it is a wave of emotions that seems to conquer my thoughts.

Boomeranging from pissed off to anxious to despair to complacence is quite exhausting.  Now with pounding headache, I must return to normality, which includes but is not limited to cooking dinner, picking up the house, finishing and printing homework, and remembering to BREATH.

And so upon further research on this CalmClinic.com, I've come to the conclusion that it IS a scam, and even though there are some reviews on how it helped, they are vague and posted on unknown/unpopular blogger sites.  The Internet is finite; it's not difficult to get an account and perpetrate as an anxiety-ridden poor soul who stumbled upon your program and how it saved their life.

While I wish there were an easy 1-2-3 to anxiety, I just can't seem to think louder than the voice inside my head screaming SCAM SCAM SCAM.  I got my hopes up...really high.  And now, I'm down in the dumps.

Lest We Forget

9/11 - Can't look at those numbers the same ever again.  A couple of thoughts on this day:

And part deux:

So there's some deep thoughts.  And here's some pictures.  

Since they couldn't get a picture on their favorite stump, they found a NEW favorite stump.

 

One of their Favorite dug outs in a Redwood.  

We can't ever go to Armstrong Woods and NOT visit the Armstrong Tree.

They beautiful Redwood Theater, where many of the world's famous big bands of the 1920s and 30s have played.

Bread is our friend.

Group photo! Left to right: Ma-in-law Karuna, Jesse, Me, Jadziah, Zack, Mica, and Atreyu

The meditating monster.

It was SUCH a beautiful day!  And I can feel the Princess of Autumn making her way to our little home on the River.  What a great day; great friends to help distract from the bad ones.  A few days ago, Jesse surprised me with this comment: "Friends are God's way of making up for your family."

Amen to THAT!