I've been sitting in bed for the past 2 1/2 hours pounding out some work on the Sonoma County Gazette's blog, periodically interrupted by my goofy, gropey husband and his wet slobbery kisses (I think he took lessons from a dog at some point in his life), Brown Cow yogurt with Vanilla Cherry Granola from Food For Humans swimming around in my belly, and the beginnings of a tension headache caused by GOD.KNOWS.WHAT! I'm bursting at the seams with thought.
Thought #1: Why is my heart rate so high when all I've been doing is sitting in bed?
Good questions, ol' brain of mine. The only logical explanation I can muster is that the usual process nowadays when I have an anxious thought is matched with an equally uncomfortable physical reaction. What's that law of physics again? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Well, in my case, I think anxiously, my body reacts anxiously. So then the question remains, why think anxiously? I dunno...I guess after a lifetime of always bomeranging to the land of Wort Case Scenario can set someone up for this pretty nasty habit. GAWD how I miss cigarettes!
Thought #2: I want a cigarette!
Thought #3: Holy shit, it's almost Christmas time, yet it still doesn't feel like Christmas 'cause it's not raining cats and dogs!
Seriously, this is March weather, cold but sunny. NOT December! That happy-fuzzy-Christmas feeling STILL hasn't sunk in. I'm usually a total crafting basketcase this time of the year, but there's something in my internal clockwork saying, "Nope, not time to start making stuff, yet. You still have plenty of time. It's not Christmas!" WTH??? Realistically, I've got about 1 week left and I haven't even started making my stuff. First I start by making a list, and since I'm such a list-junkie I'm really surprised that hasn't happened yet! Then more lists of what I need followed by lists of people to give, cookie ingredients, card ideas, crafty crafty crafty madness! Oh, if only there were an extra 24 hours in the day!
Thought #4: Making a living.
Five years ago, I was working weekends at the Chamber, brining my newborn baby girl to work with me. I had my own apartment, Jesse has a decent job and life was easy and simple. Life is still simple, and yet, I feel like I've outgrown it. Like a pubescent girl wearing clothes that don't fit her anymore, I'm still so attached to the prospects of easy, simple living in a small town; but there's no money in that. Now I can rant and rave about how I hate money and wish we lived on a barter system and blah blah blah, but that fact is we don't and money is GOD and if you don't have any, then you suck (and apparently are evil, too). And while I love what I do at my job, it just isn't enough to sustain myself and my family independent from assistance programs. Unlike what most of America thinks about families on assistance, I have a desire to be rid of them FOR GOOD! The lack of privacy or ability to drag yourself out of the depths of poverty is maddening and is what leads to fraud of the system. I wish for the day when I get to call my worker and say, "Thanks for all you've done, but please remove me. I can handle my own, now." Five years and counting...things are seeming a bit dreary and hopeless. I look to my inspirations, Dooce.com, Regretsy.com and DigThisChickMT.com for guidance.
Thought #5: Getting my ass moving on projects.
What causes laziness? No, really, I'm serious/curious! What possesses us humans to take all our potential and energy, ball it up in a nice neat package of depression and self-pity and shove it up our ass? And then we SIT on our ass, just to make sure it doesn't escape. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm one of the laziest people I know, and it is a mood thing. Dreary mornings lead to lazy launches of the day; such as this one. While not dreary, I'm slightly overwhelmed with the various projects I've left unfinished. Time for a little constructive procrastination. Set you mind to something, but do something else instead. I suppose as long as you're doing something, it's not procrastination. OH! I know, I'll make another list!
Last Thought for the day (not really): Anxiety sucks but can be good for you.
[See TIME Magazine's Covers from Dec. 5th; pay close attention to the US cover!]
Those of you who've been following my blog since the beginning (or can at least maneuver through the archives) know that I have been living with a problem with anxiety for some time now. The past few months (hence the no blogging) have been going really well, with minimal setbacks. Last week's setback brought me to a place I didn't want to go to ever again: hopeless. I kept beating myself up, saying that even after 1 year I'm still no better than I was before, blah blah blah. Then I realized just how much I beat myself up. I'm worse on myself than I am on anybody else! If it's not perfect, it's a failure. Wow! Where did THAT come from? Well, right now, that's not important (Mom & Dad), but what is important and that I realized all the many times I begged and pleaded with Life (God, Universe, whoever) to make me better, make me stronger, saner, nicer, happier, wiser...I got an answer. My dealings with anxiety are daily, ongoing and exhausting because I'm constantly fighting the urge to panic. I've often wondered what would happen if I just let it go? After 14 months of trying to hold on, I'd say it's time I start letting go and letting God take over. Hard habit to kick, I suppose. Good thing I'm a quick learner.
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