For as long as I can remember, I've had a terrible body image. I looked at my body and thought it was ugly, imperfect and not worthy of celebration or admiration. In fact, even now, the thought of having a picture taken sends me into panic; "will my double-neck show?" "I've been eating a lot lately, I bet my face is getting fat." "My pants aren't fitting right again, my "love handles" are spilling out everywhere." For as long as I've had this body, it has never been perfect. When I was 16, I forced myself to stop eating and would only eat when I was starving. I remember feeling sick for months; I'd feel sick when I didn't eat and yet when I would eat, I'd vomit or feel like vomiting. This didn't stop until I became pregnant at age 17. Then I went from 140lbs to 200lbs. I exploded. And my skin....well, let's just say pregnancy did not agree with the young age of my skin.
The thoughts are endless...I look in the mirror and strive for perfection. Why? There's no need to be perfect! Even now, in writing this, tears come to my eyes; all I want is to love my body and myself, why is that so elusive?
My sense of fashion is senseless. A mishmash of clothing that I can barely afford to buy from thrift stores, sometimes I feel tomboyish when really I just want to feel beautiful. I find it sad and frustrating that I haven't figured out a way to accomplish that WITHOUT clothing or some outside influence. Last night, in a conversation with a really good friend, I felt that nagging feeling again. The first in a very long time that I've worried about my weight and now I'm reeling, feeling guilty about all the bad foods I ate and the lack of exercise. I felt inadequate, again. I fell asleep in a very dark place; hating myself, hating this body I was given, hating that it will never be what I want it to be....and worse yet, that I will never accomplish that "perfect size."
This experience has opened my eyes. While it seems that I haven't grown much in terms of learning to love my body and myself, I do seem to have acquired the ability to at least see the self-destructive behavior and could potentially stop it. So, this morning, instead of logging onto SparkPeople and getting fanatic about "gotta lose the weight AGAIN!" I did a search; women like me. I came across this video from the Ellen Show, and thought WOW! While I have no aspirations ever in becoming a model myself, I would, however, love one day to use photography as a tool to help me ascend beyond these damaging thoughts.
I'm 165lbs, 5'6", have a bodysuit of stretch marks and wear a size 12/14. I've been this way for 5 years, and while I've tried and worked hard to achieve a change in these numbers, there comes a point where I must open my eyes and realize that these numbers don't count. What numbers DO count are my blood pressure (PERFECT!), my cholesterol levels (NORMAL!), my thyroid levels (NORMAL!), my glucose/insulin levels (NORMAL: NO DIABETES!), and the people that love me regardless of those other numbers (ALL OF YOU!).
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| At Armstrong with the Kiddos this summer. |
I still wish to have a lifestyle that supports healthy habits, including eating organic foods, balanced meals, etc. One day, that will happen, when the income changes occur. For now, though, I'll continue doing the best I can, in my most imperfect way.
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