Moving

So about 9 weeks ago, I had a lightbulb go off in my head.  Jess and I were lying here in bed, just chattin' it up, when it crossed my mind that I should breach the subject of us relocating our family to an area that might better improve our quality of life...Santa Rosa.  Hah!

After sometime of convincing him, he agreed.  In fact, he agreed so much, he hasn't even looked back.  However, I'm the one having the detachment issues.  Oye.

Every morning for the past few days has felt like Groundhog Day.  Pretty much since my last day at my job (that's when shit got real), I've been stuck in this cycle.

One thing about my particular issues with anxiety that I've noticed is that having plans, regardless of how hard or stressful they may be, has always helped me feel stabilized and secure about my life.  Lately, however, the plans have fallen into the "play it by ear" category; ergo, NOTHING gets done because I'm running around, spinning, completely incapable of getting one project fully accomplished.  So I'm thinking now it's time to schedule the mundane tasks of my day so I can at least feel like it's a job, or something more concrete.

I'm quite anxious about the move, now.  Moreso about the adjustment to not being near my river, or under my redwoods and near friends.  I'm actually falling apart about it silently inside.  It started when we saw the place on Tuesday; I knew it was the place we were going to live in; it's small, it's a bit dark, but there's some nice amenities to it.  It certainly isn't anything I'd want to live in for more than a year.  But overall, it made me so deeply and thoroughly depressed.

I knew this was going to happen, so I'm just going to let it happen.  If I start to feel panicky, I just stop what I'm doing and retreat to my place of safety.  I go through all my relaxation practices and eventually (like, around 10pm!) I start to feel more safe and secure.

Part of the reason we're moving to Santa Rosa is so I can begin to really address the anxiety issues I have with my comfort zones. I figure if I'm there, I can slowly make my circle bigger there and get to the point where I can explore places more comfortably and on my own and be more at peace with my family exploring the world without me at their side.  However now, this part of me is in deep regret and trying hard to approach panic mode...but I won't let it.

Overall, the adjustment that I'm yet having to experience is what's getting my brain on tilt.  Will I get worse?  Will I get better?  Will I have sacrificed the comfort of my family unnecessarily for my own benefit?  And then what if it doesn't work?  This is the first time in a long while that I've felt this unsure and this insecure about myself and my mental stability.  Perhaps I should look into a low dose coping medication....hah, or just keep swimming.