Hail (Hell)

We stood there in awe as the skies pounded our unsuspecting deck and yard with little pebble-sized chunks of ice. It made me feel so microscopic, insignificant and terribly fascinated by this something of nature and just how beautifully out-of-control is was.

This beautifully coordinated dance of mother nature mimics much the same of how we humans coordinate amongst each other; in rhyme, reason or angst, we circle around one another, bleeding hearts or stealing thoughts from one another...

...oh, there I go again; what can I say? It's the poet in me!

I love feeling helpless against mother nature as she gives us her display of sheer power over the elements; today left me breathlessly anxious for more! It wasn't that long ago, during one of the rare thunder/lightning storms that my reaction deepened the symptoms of anxiety even further, rather than giving me that same helpless and yet excited feeling. Today felt great because for the first time in many many months, I was genuinely excited and thrilled to be witness to the event!

This journey I'm on has taken me to new places and given me the opportunity to have new people in my life. As usual, I'm tempted to jump headfirst into any new relationship that arises, and yet now I've experienced the unusual timidness that usually comes when I'm up against a very strong personality. I feel like I cannot be myself; that ME isn't good enough or something. Wow, what fucking bullshit that is! I guess, rather than needing to tune myself down, I need to get over my jealousies that cause me to feel this inadequate. Hell is inside yourself, waiting to take it's chance to swallow you up, and at the helm is YOU, driving the nail further.

I can finally feel a shift from the old me; it dawned on me that I'll be 26 this year, giving me that much more chance to push through the shroud of crap. This shift involves becoming more apathetic towards those who harmed me (you KNOW who you are!!!), being a more involved mother (for GOD'S SAKE Mommy needs alone time before she does that weird head-turny trick again), and developing new friendships. The friendships part is kinda freaky for me 'cause of my history with incorporating new people into my life. This includes, but isn't limited to, coordinating new friends and husband together; always adds to the fun!

Today I got to explore one of these new friendships today...ok, not gonna lie, freakin' me out 'cause I DO NOT want to fuck this up! Boy, why so insecure?! 'Cause I'm a psychotic bitch who couldn't leave her house for a month and has some serious "letting go" issues; why would somebody new want to be my friend? Oh wait, yeah....'cause I'm pretty fucking insanely awesome too, and fun and likes super-awesome cool shit. The best part, I think, is I don't need to change myself as in previous friendships. Nope; this bitch is being sold As Is.

Been coming to a lot of conclusions lately....friendships, my marriage, my kids, school, career....oye! the career! Why on Earth have I been at the Chamber for 5 years? Oh, 'cause for 4.5 of those years, it's been pretty awesome and fun! Now? Na, not really....not even tolerable anymore. So NOW WHAT?! Shit, now what is right!

Showers

Lately I've been coming to so many realizations that it's amazing that the fiber of my very being hasn't been ripped to shreds. These epiphanies have created an overwhelming sensation of simultaneous ear and joy, like looking into the eyes of God and finally understanding everything. In these moments of pure clarity, I'm finding myself sitting on my bed, watching the rain fall from the redwood limbs high above me, smiling at the wonder of how was I so lucky to live in my dream?

In one month I will be the star attraction at two local venues in which I will sign away my name to the many admirers I have collected this past year. At first this seemed a daunting experience to behold, for I am not one to be comfortable in crowds (although I can manage!) and I certainly do not know quite what to do about all the positive attention I'll be receiving. I did read once, thought, that people with low self-esteem do not take compliments well, and in fact deter them from happening; keeping this in mind can be challenging, but on occasion I have actually remembered this and instead of turning my face away or rolling my eyes, I can muster up a "Thank You." Part of me feels that if I accept positive attention (or praise) then the giver is now owed praise by me as well, so I sometimes find myself digging up some gold on this person, throwing their praise to me right back at them. With this in mind, I will graciously accept my time in the limelight; bask in it even.

One of these epiphanies dawned on me a few months back but was enforced by a conversation today. Since I was a child, I have often been plagued by the anxieties surrounding the selection of a career, and maybe the extra emphasis placed on me by my parents hasn't helped much. I wanted to be a rock star, a teacher, an anthropologist, an artist; ultimately I wanted to be famous for SOMETHING; I wanted to be seen. I still do, however. This newfound fame I've achieved at such a young age has me worried about the aftermath when the bubble has popped. However, who's to say that it ever has to end if I hold myself up by grace and humility? And who's to say I can't do it again? and again and again? The conversation that took place today involved my friends planning my lie for me, saying if I write another and another and another that I'll end up working for the publishing company (something I NEVER thought about!). While I marveled at how they were living vicariously through me, the subjects didn't seem daunting or invasive of my family life: could I become a professional author? And, like, actually make real money? And not have to be subjected to welfare programs anymore??? Really? Really???!!! I had NO idea!! I'm already lined up for TWO projects; I just need to get the ball rolling once school is over with.

I can honestly say that I'm proud of myself, not just for these achievements, but also for my ability to have gotten through the biggest nightmare of my life. I can honestly say that I was sure I was heading somewhere bad, the place of no return, and I am forever grateful to the help I received, inside and outside. While I still experience anxiety symptoms my ability to handle them and make it through the day has improved a billion-fold! And not once has any drug slipped passed these lips to accomplish this!

Creation

There's so much to write! Where to begin?

The thoughts are swarming in my head like bees; creating a cloud so thick, it's damn near impossible for me to get any words to come through; anything sounding somewhat interesting and melodic to write escapes me in most moments through the day. I enjoy watching the swarm, but really, all I want to do is understand it.

This has been one of the worst menstruation periods I've had in many many many months! A 3-day grump-fest paired with hemorrhoids (I thought only pregnant women got those!!!) on Spring Break, having to entertain two children 24/7 while keeping the house clean until our housing inspection...needless to say, I've uttered the "F" word more times than should be legal. And while most my family and friends have gotten the hint to duck and stay low, that loving partner of mine still has the knowing capability to wrap his skinny hippy arms around my pathetic frame, kiss me and then tells me, "shut up, it's all because of that damn Super Moon."

BTW: I love Rush; can't really get over that, and I don't think I ever will. I love that as I write this, that skinny hippy guy I mentioned earlier is down in the garage cleaning to "Closer to the Heart." My gosh, how lucky can I be? Honestly, as a girl the only requirements of my dream guy would be he had to have long hair, a big nose and must LOVE Rush. Check, check and check!

Been reading a book by Heather B. Armstrong "It sucked, then I cried." She writes the Dooce.com blog, a deliciously weird, totally-awe-inspiring mommy blog that a freak like me can savor in. I swear, I have NEVER laughed so hard, with each turn of the page, a new line or plot to the story told in her completely uninhibited blunt and honest potty-humor style. Love it! The story is really about how she had a breakdown from Postpartum Depression, something I also suffered from, and her recovery back to a somewhat better life. Reading her stories brought me back to my memories with my babies; my first, the disaster that was me and Jesse trying to fumble our way in the dark with our hands tied behind our backs; and my second, this time fumbling with a floodlight on (a little bit better!). If you love Margaret Cho, Ren & Stimpy and Radiohead, definitely check out her book.

Today, grumpy bitch Mommy went on a little drive to get some perspective, course at the time, I didn't realize that's what I was doing. After dropping off Monster #1 at the M-I-L's, I drove towards town's Safeway when I saw a friend hitchhiking and thought, "FUCK!!! How can I possibly drive by him and NOT pick him up????" So, there I am, almost running his stupid ass over, in he gets and needs a ride to Monte Rio; ok, wasn't planning on going THAT far, but whatever, I've got no gas, you've got no money, let's fucking go for it! It means I don't have to go home right away!

After dropping him off, I felt it necessary to stop by my OG's house for a change; course she's not there, but of course, my beloved Uncle Dennis (UD) lives there, too, so how could I NOT say hi? In I go and out I come 2 hours later, feeling slightly lighter and yet sadder.

Have I ever mentioned that I LOVE old people? Ok, I fucking LOVE old people; they're hilarious 'cause they don't give a shit about the things that come out of their mouth (and I've heard some pretty raunchy, amazing shit spewing from those gummy mouths), their old so they know EVERYTHING, and they have an endless supply of candy.

So now, while UD isn't old by normal standards, he is in the sense of his health, having been surviving from HIV for over 20 years. Today, we talked and talked and talked (or, really I just listened, 'cause he really wanted to tell me his story) and it dawned on me: My god! He's going to be gone! And I'm not going to remember these stories!!! They'll be gone with him! Just like Grandpa Chet's!

I've not often asked people who are dying of a debilitating disease how much longer they think they have, but there it came, flying out of my mouth before I even had the chance to stop it, examine it and stick it behind my ear for a while. He didn't seem all too stunned, but was certainly surprised by the level of intimacy it brought our conversation, and to me, I had sounded like my main purpose of asking was so I can make my plans accordingly. He answered about 5 years; 5 years! I've known him for 8 years! Jesse and I fell spent our first night together on UD's floor (where his dog, Spike, peed on our feet as we slept=thanks Spike!); UD, he's such a messed up, beautiful human being! And we only get him for another 5 years?! The cogs in my head have been spinning ever since.

Last week, I sat in the waiting room of the counseling/dental clinic in town, awaiting my counselor to pop her little fro-head around the corner and whisper my name. I read a magazine (no idea what the rag was called!!!) as I waited and came across an article about women entrepreneurs and the story of one struck me. She started an Oral History business; not only have I been wanting to do oral histories for the sake of preservation, I've also been considering furthering my writing skills and hopefully developing them into some sort of measurable career. My conversation today with UD struck a cord in me; he is inspiring me to begin this path, and I find it more than appropriate that it start with him.

Three days ago, my friend Cris gave birth to her baby girl Willow and yesterday I got to visit and have some squishy-baby time. Honestly, kinda freaking me out, 'cause this is the first time in 5 years that I've held a baby and HAVEN'T felt like "Wow, I'm SOOOO glad I don't have to do this!" In fact, today, I was over there helping jump their vehicle and was secretly crushed when they didn't ask me to hold the baby...omg! NO! I do NOT want to go through that again!!! But shit! Maybe MAAAAYBE one more after 2012??? Fuck....stupid clock, why don't you just BREAK now?!! Not to mention, having one right now would be completely irresponsible; but the thought it kinda fun to play with. I've got 6 more years on my IUD, so maybe by then, who knows?

Crazy. Shit. Life.

Maladjusted Child's 15 Minutes of Fame

Six months worth of work plus 6 more months waiting for the finalizing process, I now have in my hands the book. This is the book; my book, our book, the book. It hasn't quite hit me yet. I want so badly to enjoy this moment, this 15 minutes of fame, and damnit! I deserve to fucking enjoy it! So why the awkwardness? Why the bashfulness? Why do I feel undeserving of this attention and yet I thrive on the compliments and such? Ugh! It's such a frustrating feeling not knowing how to act.

How DO I act? Grateful? Thankful? Proud? Shy? WHAT??!?!?!?!?!?! I don't have the skills for this set of emotions...

It's weird seeing my name on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. It's WEIRD because I feel like I've punched through the glass ceiling of my own making and I'm here where the "they's" belong. I'm one of the "theys" now? I don't know about that! Maybe what I'm most afraid of is enjoying the attention too much and experiencing the shock from when it's gone. I felt the same way after I had both kids, when the newborn excitement waned away. It's all so very strange.

So I'm settling down to being proud of myself and John for accomplishing this book; I'm also allowing myself to accept the praise and attention; it doesn't make me a vain person. We've set a date for an Author Event at River Reader, and I'm already getting nervous with the number of people showing up to this thing. My only concern really is what color Sharpie should I use?

Barnes & Noble

Amazon

Arcadia Books

Snow? In Sonoma County?

Well, while it wasn't the ordinary, fluffy white snow that one would expect (actually, it moreso resembled what it'd look like if a slushy-machine exploded), but it was fun! And since I still haven't figured out how to work the photos on blogger, we're going to start from the end...

That's me and my family. You can kinda tell that we were pretty fed up with the snow and looking forward to being back in the lower elevations that were at the time getting DUMPED on by loads of rain and hail. My poor boy (wearing MY new mitten-gloves) had decided to NOT wear socks on this excursion and suffered the consequences of cold-toes-syndrom. But I do have memories of him having a great time tumbling on his ass down the muddy-snowy hillside behind us, so I KNOW there's was more pleasure to the misery than this picture might suggest.

The collective snowman. Cute.
While I DID take a more "picture-frame worthy" photo of the lovely Lyons-Piazza family, this one makes me giggle my head off. All the children at this point were complaining about being cold and wet and hungry and it was just a JOY getting them to sit down long enough for a photo op.
Talk about being out of your element. Chihuahua + snow = paradox.
This is MUCH more fitting. I thought it was quite hilarious that my husband decided to wrestle the dog (looks more like mounting, if you ask me!) in order to distract her from the sudden and sad departure of her new friend, Eleanor.
And there the are. Eleanor and Diana. She SO looks like a puppy! (and maybe that's because she IS a puppy!!!)
I luvz this 'cause I just NAILED him and the remnants are dripping from his nose and beard. I TOTALLY look like I belong in the snow!
The view, looking West across Alexander Valley in NorthWest Sonoma County. Amazing day for perfect photos.
The group on the hill of death (watched them all ALMOST wipe out).
My little angel girl trying to do snow angels. Doesn't really work on slush, honey.
I LOVED this tree! It was so mysterious and creepy looking! I can't wait to see how my film shots of this tree turned out!
My friend Anya getting some footage of Daddy and Angel-girl riding the trashcan lid down a bunny slope.
Love this girl, she LOVED the snow. She looks like she belongs in the snow, too.
This one....eh, not so much. Pretty much hated my gutz for bringing her.
And here at the beginning...my foot prints, equally important as those that lay on the Moon (or in some Hollywood studio). All anxieties brushed aside, and I stepped foot in snow today and had a fantastic outing with my family and dear friends. Today was a good day.

Hump Day

When I first herd "Hump Day" I honestly thought it had something to do with people going home and humping each other....or something along those lines. It wasn't until my 72-year-old friend explained the concept to me when I understood that not EVERYTHING, although implied, has to do with sex.

So I was inspired today by the digthischick's Wednesday "Hump Day Nuggets" blog. I love how she was able to depict life's simplest tasks by way of creative captions on equally creative photos. So I though I'd give it a try...

Today's quintessential Northern California Weather was wrought with rain, then sun, then Hail, then sun, then rain, then strong gusts of wind, then overcasting clouds. It sure made for some extravagant photos, especially for my black and white film camera. I started the day looking out my window to see a freshly drenched Earth, sparkling with Sun as dark rain clouds loomed from behind.

So, with about an hour to kill until Jadziah and I had to head out for the day, we though of sneaking in a quick photoshoot; her with my digital, me with Schubert's Canon A-1 35mm. I managed to get a few really neat self-portraits in the mirror (finally!) while she goofed off with the Sony Cyber-Shot (the most expensive Point-n-Shoot I've ever made the mistake of purchasing). We had lots of fun, as you can see....

Jadziah strangling Diana.
Happy, Sleepy Papa.
Can't mistake it, she's have a blast!

But then it was time for work....which consisted of rain, LOTS of paperwork and Fish 'n chips from Andorno's...

Yes, that's a bag of candy my boss dumped on my desk. Nothing says "I appreciate you" like mini Snickers and MilkyWays all over your desk. :-)

Acutally, that's hail....but rain comes with it.

Not too bad a lunch. I shared my french fries with MaryJane and watched stupid videos as my "lunch break". Then the usual rush to get everything done before I'm done for the week. Thus concluding another day at the "another-day-another-dollar" factory.

Oh yeah, can't forget the "I'm a bad Chihuahua for taking a shit in your office right where you will step on it, but thankfully your boss nor tourists did" episode...Thanks, MJ!
Ah, a beautiful, swollen River. Shabaikai gained a whole 7 feet since last night! No worries, folks, there won't be any flooding this year....not unless we get a repeat of today for 3 days straight.
I get home, warm my hands on soft, children bellies (rode the bike home), then saw a blur of brown hair as husband said "See Ya!" and flew out the door (ok, maybe it didn't happen QUITE that way, but still, he was in a hurry to get out the door and on a break from the monsters). So we waved "Bye Daddy!" as we do everytime one of us departs our home (a tradition we've conveniently picked up from Ever After). Ten minutes later, Daddy returned and escaped to his mancave in the basement.
Now why would anybody want to run away from these little precious angels? Fortunately, photos cannot pick up sounds....otherwise, you'd understand. As I type this, they are wreaking havoc in their room, the little one screaming, the big one taunting. Geeze, no wonder parents go mad! Fortunately, we've got Apples 2 Apples, so that oughta take care of that pesky sound.

You can't tell, but it's raining like crazy out there! Such a beautiful sounds/smell/sight. Well, onto the last 1/3 of my day. Night folks! Happy Hump Day!

Pardon Me...

...if I burst into flames." - Incubus.

Anxiety tried getting her big, stupid ass back into my home yesterday, even after all my accomplishments the day before. I drove myself to Santa Rosa for the first time in 6 months. And I mean, By-My-Self, no dog, no kids, no hubby, no cell phone, NOTHING! It felt great! But the ongoing theme with this crap is that regardless of my big accomplishments, anxiety persists.

When we went to LA two years ago, I had sufficient anxiety about leaving my home. However, I pressed through and made it! I only had ONE moment of feeling "panicky" when we arrived, mainly because it registered in my mind just how far away from home I was. But then it faded and NEVER came back, and we had a blast! It was a fantastic family vacation and there are many positive memories surrounding the trip. Point being, after that trip, I felt like I could go ANYWHERE! I didn't have to fret about the distance or anything because I had made it that far before, and surely I would survive if I ever had to again. This, however, does not seem to be the case as of late...

I haven't read much about nervous breakdowns on purpose, because I still don't believe that is what happened to me. I definitely did some mental dismantling, but a complete breakdown does not seem to be the case. But I wonder WHY? Why does the anxiety persist even though I am making breakthroughs on a daily basis? Why? I often wonder if there is something wrong with my physically that is causing this; some sort of hormonal imbalance or something. Just SOME sort of explanation! But I know there isn't any...it's in my head, the chemicals in my head have worn a deep groove in my thinking processes and it's going to take a LOT of time, patience and mental strength to re-draw these thinking processes.

One thing that is stressing me out is finding us a new home. This is making me VERY impatient, because I no longer want to be on Section 8 or Food Stamps or MediCal....I want to be self-sustaining, not at the beck-and-call of these restricting Federal Programs. I've been searching for MONTHS, and to no avail. I recently wrote our landlords a letter asking for more time and saw her last Thursday. She said we need to get together and talk, that she got my letter as she was finishing up a letter to US, and that I had good timing, for our sake. What the heck does THAT mean? She called yesterday basically saying the same thing, keeping us on edge. I have a feeling of what they're going to say...but at this point, it doesn't matter. We need to find a new home; simple as that. And with ALL the people I know who are also looking for us, I'm amazed that there's STILL nothing out there. This is one of those "Let Go, Let God" moments, or else I'll drive myself NUTZ looking everyday.

Today I'm feeling fine. Strong, and confident, so long as I don't think about what I HAVE to do. I'm cleaning, getting the house ready for the inspection on Friday (not that the house would last that long ANYWAY). I wish I could find the damn button that will just make this all go away.....stupid elusive button.