Thursday_Schmurzday

1. I'm attempting to read two books at once: Little Alters Everywhere and 50 Shades of Grey.  Been really looking forward to the latter one.
2. Stupid cat is sitting on my desk.  I've resorted to accept that any flat surface in my house, whether it be the kitchen counter or a t-shirt drawer left open, is fair game to my incredibly lazy, hairy cats.  Their fur is a whole other level of evil....painter's tape companies love my cats.
3. My left nostril is trying to divorce my face by sending a vortex of cold, throbbing pain up through to my brain and out my mouth, giving my horrendous cotton mouth.  "EwGod!  What's that smell?  Someone left a can of beans out!"
4. I've listed my textbooks on Amazon for the first time ever!  Hawaiian vacation, here I come!
5. $15 flat-soled sandals from PayLess are the worst thing ever to happen to my feet, especially when I had to walk 3 miles today.
6. My stupid bitch-dog has a puffy taco, and that entitles her to eat the garbage in the bathroom....right?
7. Lucky number.  Time to go to bed.

War

As more days pass that I get to experience anxiety and the like, the more theories I come up with to help explain their existence. Sometimes I see it as an ascending spiral, spinning round and round, always revisiting those hard moments. Sometimes I see it as a war: moments of calm between the bombings of battles. I've won numerous battles, and now I'm marching my line into the fire, again, battling yet another onslaught of unexplainable anxiety.

I want to let it go and just move on with my life. I can sit here and ask myself "Why" over and over again, but what good does that bring me? I can sit here and doubt my abilities to overcome it, convincing myself that I'll be crazy the rest of my life. But, what I DEFINITELY can do is breath and tell myself that I can handle this and that it, too, will pass. And it does.

It usually starts in the morning, almost at the instant I wake up and remember I'm conscious and that I can start worrying about stuff. Hah! Then I close my eyes and envision myself somewhere beautiful and calming. After a few moments of that, I feel slightly better and can drag myself out of bed and start my day. I've done these things today, and although the tingling, shaking sensations have yet to leave my body, I feel strong enough to face my day.

This war, however pointless it may seem in the moment, I believe is neccessary for me; I ASKED for change, I ASKED to become a different person; here it is! The bridge between the old me and the new me, masked in a fog of uncertainty, fear and anxiety. A friend of mine once suggested that it might even have something to do with when I was practicing opening my chakras. I suppose it is logical to think that sometimes when we have so much crammed inside us and we start awakening it, it has a tendency to lash-out. And our minds, especially in times of change, function in such a way that protects it from those "dangerous" changes. Knowing all this helps me, tremendously.

I know I won't be this way forever. I know I'll be able to do the things I was once able to. I also know that I need to let these things go for now and do what my mind and body need me to do; rest, relax, and take refuge.