I sure would hate to go to hell...

"...for thinkin' that I was right" - Spencer Bell.

Tonight seemed to be a rather "GODLY" evening. Feeling rather literate I picked up my "Mysteries of the World" book and got some good ancient Christian/Druid artifact and legend knowledge under my belt and was inspired enough to pick up the Annoted Bible Jesse got for his History of God class. Because I felt inspired enough to pick up the Bible for umpteenth time to attempt to read what the hype was all about I genuinely thought I would come across something wise or at least equally inspiring. Oh my, we are a creature asking for trouble, laid out in the fucking Bible! If I had not known what the Bible was and instead picked it up as though I wanted to read a piece of fiction, I probably would have been quite satisfied with the bizarre and unrealistically ridiculous depictions of human and worldly development. So, needless to say, I made it to the 3 verse of Genesis before deciding my brain cells were far too valuable for me to waste on this overbearing, man-glorifying testimony of the lowdown in back in the day. Jesus, save me from your father's book! And I'm sure in time I will be able to sit down and stomach the rest of the 3000 verses, however for tonight, I felt it was much better use to converse with the niece-creature about drugs and God and listen to some of my favorite underground music instead.

Today was probably longer than it was supposed to be, I felt. I had set out to do a few chores in town and it ended taking me twice to time to do half what I was supposed to, leaving me feeling like I'm accomplished SHIT! But I have; my pages are proofread and done and now waiting to be mailed tomorrow, once I finish a few minor details. But that's just it! The details! They're fucking crazy!

So I'm kinda hoping some certain individuals never see that blog post I wrote few nights ago, basically venting about the garbage bullshit politics of Guerneville. However I'm completely unwilling to give up my freedom to speak my mind (and honestly, it's not like it's something people don't NEED to hear, it's just not politically correct for ME to say it), so I'm taking that risk of them seeing it. Oh well.

I am often thinking that this strange thing, the Higher Power, is a key to helping me overcome my anxiety. So much of my anxiety got triggered when I started realizing how little control I have over most EVERYTHING in my life. Well then, what IS in control of all that? There's got to be SOME force behind the wheel keeping things on the straight and narrow. Oh, that's where the "GOD" thing comes in. But I have such a problem with that word; it has such a stigma in my life's history and I'm very uncomfortable using that word to describe something I feel doesn't deserve the stigma. Being of (supposed) Cherokee descent, I looked up the Cherokee word for "God" and found "U-nay Klah nah hey" (Creator of All Things). So "U-nay" is my little name for my Higher Power, for the moment. I identify much closer to the Native perspective on life, creation and the Universe than I do the Christian one.

So maybe if there is a hell, I'm probably gonna be there...only if I believe it to be true.

So tonight I'll leave you with some musicians I listened to tonight....I feel they're share-worthy.

Spencer Bell

MountainDawg

Cookie Bumstead & The Lonesome Space Cadets (my nephew's band)

Talk is Cheap...

...and that's exactly what I can afford.

In fact, talk can be pretty pricey. Just look at your cable and Internet bills: talk ain't cheap and it isn't getting any cheaper.

This picture is a painting I painted last Spring. It was inspired by the Hindu Goddess Kali. I am most proud of her because I felt she reflected the Kali inside me; the very energy waiting to burst out from within.

Deeper thought into the subjects of my mind as of late have revealed to me that it is not a love I possess towards Guerneville, but rather a love affair. Love is unconditional, unwaivering and unbroken. A love affair is raw, passionate, volatile and easily collapsable. And just like in any other relationship, you'll find yourself drifting together and apart throughout your time together. My conclusion of the moment is even if we were to move away, the deep scar of the this intrigued love affair will surely tear parts of my heart this way and that, making it near impossible to feel such a love again.

A sort of rekindling occurred today, making me realize that so long as a select group of individuals never A. Move and B. Die, Guerneville can be tolerable. I'm three days away from sending off the proof pages for the my first published book; a Historical photo book that I and my coauthor spent 6 months working on. It has been months since we've sat at his kitchen table, throwing jokes and insults at one another, all the while learning more history about the Town who's love affair we both share. If there is something I can't get enough of, it's long, stringing conversations about everything under the Sun with somebody who is capable of keeping up with me. So how can I leave?

For the first time in MONTHS, while sitting at that round, wooden table, covered with a lemon table cloth, I had ZERO anxiety. I mean Z-E-R-O. Not once did I even rouse myself like I so often do (just to "test" the waters and see just how strongly I can counteract it). I was focused on the book, focused on photos and on conversation. Nothing from the outside world intruded my headspace; the many thousands of worries I cope with every day were stopped dead in their tracks the moment they hit the door. If I were to pinpoint a drug, it would be communication. THAT is truly MY drug, and when I go without, I am truly ruthless at getting it.

I'm enjoying where my life is going right now. I no longer feel as though we're stuck in limbo, dangling in a net a thousand feet above the ground. Although nothing has come to a true fruition, I feel it coming; the urge to relax and trust in the Universe draped over me today and I was showered with gifts. My family, my friends, myself and a sense of peace.

I've also noticed a change in Jesse: he's happy, he's supportive, he's fun to be around. He's supported me so much through this anxiety crap, and even today, knowing full well I was anxious about him leaving to Santa Rosa, did without my request a courtesy that I needed him to do. I need to remember to give him more credit for this, to help encourage this positive behavior.