I'm so mad I can hardly contain myself!!!
I've gone a couple months now without feeling this persistent state of anxiety, the kind that keeps me in my house, away from friends, out of my job, etc. MONTHS! And now, for no apparent reason, here it is again! I keep telling myself, "you've been here before, you made it through, you'll be ok." But that's just it! I've BEEN there before, never to return!!! WTF???? WHY is this happening to me? WHY now? WHY WHY WHY! I'm so fucking mad, frustrated, scared, all I can do it cry, like a big fucking baby. WHY?
I feel like I'm being tortured by some force...I don't know what would possibly think this shit would be a good idea for me to be going through, but I certainly don't find it amusing or beneficial. I feel like it's going to make me lose my mind and I'll end up in a looney bin. FUCK THAT! That's not where I belong! I belong at home, with my babies, at my job, out with friends, never hesitating at life's opportunities. BUT NO! I'm stuck here in my fucking head! And it won't stop!!! I wish I wish I wish it would just STOP!
I know I'm not supposed to fight this. I'm know I'm supposed to lie low, let the smoke go over my head and out the door until I can muster up the strength and bravery to crawl my way outside. How the fuck do you lay low when holding still is enough to drive you mad? WHY? That's all I want to know!!!
Oh crappy! I"m sorry it got you again. You'll kick it's ass again, and eventually you'll win the war, not just the individual battles.
ReplyDeleteBecause you are actually quite the badass. Just sayin'.
I agree with Zoe.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you're NOT in the same place. If anything, the fight upward is shaped like a spiral. We'll face the same issues and deal with the same problems over and over--but always a little further along, always a little better and that much closer to perfection. at least, that's what I think.... Be good to yourself.