Breath

...in my nose, my belly rises; out my mouth, belly falls...eventually my brain will recognize that I am ok and it's time to stop the rush of needless adrenaline. Countless times I've done this today, and why? There is no reason why...

Admitting that the anxiety is in my head, not caused by an ailment of my body, it a very difficult concept to process. When something like this is wrong, I'll go searching for answers. Is it thyroid? Is it hormones? The only answer that I've gotten and will continue to get is NO. It's in MY head. But what's making my head react the way it is? What makes it take a perfectly GOOD day, where nothing bad has happened, no fights, no traumas, no nothing; just an ordinary day, and turned it into a mountain to climb? I believe in stress causing a great deal of ailments for humans, and at the moment that is the only root I can grab hold of.

I sat down and evaluated my stress and here's what I've come up with:

3-4 hours homes work every day

14 hours work each week

8 hours gone at school

Remainder belongs to the kids (first), social activities (second) and myself (third).

I'm feeling now that even the simplest commitment becomes another mountain to climb, whether it's simply visiting a friend or showing up for an appointment. Another big stressor I wasn't expecting to experience was the stress of success: my book. The big book signing party is tomorrow and I've felt nervous about it for some time. While I know this is normal, I am frustrated by the poor timing my brain has when it decided to tackle another battle with level 8 anxiety attacks. God, how I wish there was a magical pill that would wipe it all away...but if there were, I probably STILL wouldn't take it, 'cause I hate pills! I hate this! I'm soo SICK OF IT!!!!

I'm so sick of doubting myself, remembering times when I was fine and got through scary situations, and feeling like I'm going to lost it! Am I obsessing? Is this what an obsession is? I don't WANT THIS!!! I never wanted this!!!! I just wanted my family to function in a healthy way, not teetering on the edge of alcoholism and anxiety. I don't want my babies to grow up with a Mom this fucked up! I don't want to leave them, yet sometimes I feel like that's the only way I can get relief! I'm so so so so SOOOOO sick of it! I know I can experience normalcy again....but what did I do to get here? What happened?!

The seeds of hopelessness has be planted long ago and I'm trying to kill that fucking plant....how on Earth do I do that?! And why on Earth does every skill I have stop working after a certain point?! All my skills I've used to calm myself down worked great in the beginning....now, it's like they've become dull, almost to the point of being useless. Visualizing "STOP" or saying "I'm not going there" has helped me more times that you'll know....but now? It's like the anxiety grew in the time those skills worked and it waited for the perfect moment to railroad my off the tracks and into the dust.

All I can do it breath.....that's my only option.