Anxiety tried getting her big, stupid ass back into my home yesterday, even after all my accomplishments the day before. I drove myself to Santa Rosa for the first time in 6 months. And I mean, By-My-Self, no dog, no kids, no hubby, no cell phone, NOTHING! It felt great! But the ongoing theme with this crap is that regardless of my big accomplishments, anxiety persists.
When we went to LA two years ago, I had sufficient anxiety about leaving my home. However, I pressed through and made it! I only had ONE moment of feeling "panicky" when we arrived, mainly because it registered in my mind just how far away from home I was. But then it faded and NEVER came back, and we had a blast! It was a fantastic family vacation and there are many positive memories surrounding the trip. Point being, after that trip, I felt like I could go ANYWHERE! I didn't have to fret about the distance or anything because I had made it that far before, and surely I would survive if I ever had to again. This, however, does not seem to be the case as of late...
I haven't read much about nervous breakdowns on purpose, because I still don't believe that is what happened to me. I definitely did some mental dismantling, but a complete breakdown does not seem to be the case. But I wonder WHY? Why does the anxiety persist even though I am making breakthroughs on a daily basis? Why? I often wonder if there is something wrong with my physically that is causing this; some sort of hormonal imbalance or something. Just SOME sort of explanation! But I know there isn't any...it's in my head, the chemicals in my head have worn a deep groove in my thinking processes and it's going to take a LOT of time, patience and mental strength to re-draw these thinking processes.
One thing that is stressing me out is finding us a new home. This is making me VERY impatient, because I no longer want to be on Section 8 or Food Stamps or MediCal....I want to be self-sustaining, not at the beck-and-call of these restricting Federal Programs. I've been searching for MONTHS, and to no avail. I recently wrote our landlords a letter asking for more time and saw her last Thursday. She said we need to get together and talk, that she got my letter as she was finishing up a letter to US, and that I had good timing, for our sake. What the heck does THAT mean? She called yesterday basically saying the same thing, keeping us on edge. I have a feeling of what they're going to say...but at this point, it doesn't matter. We need to find a new home; simple as that. And with ALL the people I know who are also looking for us, I'm amazed that there's STILL nothing out there. This is one of those "Let Go, Let God" moments, or else I'll drive myself NUTZ looking everyday.
Today I'm feeling fine. Strong, and confident, so long as I don't think about what I HAVE to do. I'm cleaning, getting the house ready for the inspection on Friday (not that the house would last that long ANYWAY). I wish I could find the damn button that will just make this all go away.....stupid elusive button.
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