Down in the Dumps...

...yup, the title says it all.  But, to my benefit, I see on many Facebook statuses that it was not only I who was having a shit of a day.

There's so much to be said for the relief ones feels when either writing or speaking IT out.  I do feel slightly better, although I know that it is a wave of emotions that seems to conquer my thoughts.

Boomeranging from pissed off to anxious to despair to complacence is quite exhausting.  Now with pounding headache, I must return to normality, which includes but is not limited to cooking dinner, picking up the house, finishing and printing homework, and remembering to BREATH.

And so upon further research on this CalmClinic.com, I've come to the conclusion that it IS a scam, and even though there are some reviews on how it helped, they are vague and posted on unknown/unpopular blogger sites.  The Internet is finite; it's not difficult to get an account and perpetrate as an anxiety-ridden poor soul who stumbled upon your program and how it saved their life.

While I wish there were an easy 1-2-3 to anxiety, I just can't seem to think louder than the voice inside my head screaming SCAM SCAM SCAM.  I got my hopes up...really high.  And now, I'm down in the dumps.

Lest We Forget

9/11 - Can't look at those numbers the same ever again.  A couple of thoughts on this day:

And part deux:

So there's some deep thoughts.  And here's some pictures.  

Since they couldn't get a picture on their favorite stump, they found a NEW favorite stump.

 

One of their Favorite dug outs in a Redwood.  

We can't ever go to Armstrong Woods and NOT visit the Armstrong Tree.

They beautiful Redwood Theater, where many of the world's famous big bands of the 1920s and 30s have played.

Bread is our friend.

Group photo! Left to right: Ma-in-law Karuna, Jesse, Me, Jadziah, Zack, Mica, and Atreyu

The meditating monster.

It was SUCH a beautiful day!  And I can feel the Princess of Autumn making her way to our little home on the River.  What a great day; great friends to help distract from the bad ones.  A few days ago, Jesse surprised me with this comment: "Friends are God's way of making up for your family."

Amen to THAT!

Off Guard

Howdy y'all!  In honor of my dear friend who's gettin' herself hitched today (and I can't be there for!!!), I'm doin' things Texas-style.

Here's some more complaining:

Yeah, StumbleUpon has been pretty boring today....better get workin' on that homework.  Here's a little tidbit for motivation:

That one's for you, Kapi!  Congrats!

Instant Listener

Ooooooh, blogger's got a new layout!  Niiiiiice!!!


Ok, so we're doin' things a tad different.  I'm lazy, and tired, and wanted to talk, but was sick of the phone.  Then I remembered I have this wonderful MacBook with a built-in camera.  Aha!  Instant listener!!!  So, here's the first of my Video Blogs:

And this one...

and this one...

Here's the link to the Dasa Video

Hump Day Notions: Sweating Success

Walking on the beautiful campus of the Santa Rosa Junior College with my husband is a newfound joy in my life, along with finding abandoned and funky little fairy-shaped Silly Bandz on the ground. Today I tackled yet again with my stellar capabilities to overcome the life-cripling anxiety that has become so prevalent in my life.

Today was also the kid's first day of school. Atreyu transitioned into 3rd Grade beautifully today, with his new teacher Mrs. Robinson (whom I also had as a science teacher in 5th Grade). Jadziah was the one I was most excited for, since she stepped foot from preschool into Kindergarten on this beautiful sunny day. The feelings of elation, coupled with overwhelming sadness, spread throughout my body. As we walked them to their class rooms and gave them good bye hugs and kisses, I said to Jesse, "Can I cry now?" He dutifully responded, "Just wait until we get to the car." Sigh.

Speaking of growing up fast, Jadziah has taken up the art of riding her bicycle, without training wheels. They spent about 20 minutes in the sweltering heat in the tennis courts practicing runs and the like. Talk about sweaty success! These kids had a total bad case of helmut hair.

What's a mother to do? THIS is why we continue to expand on the species! We're forced into this perpetuating cycle of needing them to have independence, and yet the trade off is they ultimately end up leaving us. Gee wiz!!! Why didn't anybody tell me this?! They all told me how hard it was going to be just to keep them alive! They didn't mention any of this heartbreak when they grow up and leave. Sigh, #2.

Delicious Successes!

Part of the best therapy for me has been tending to my garden. Almost every morning this summer, I would walk into the garden with my cup of tea and gaze at all the overnight changes. Some might say that I'm a bit crazy for thinking that I'd even notice any change after a mere 10 hours, but YOU try putting down some Bat Guano and not see the magic unfold before your eyes. Here's a photo collection of what we have yet to harvest from our humble garden:

Not to mention the hungry, hungry Anise Butterfly caterpillar that we've bee nurturing:

So now I'm going to part on this lovely day to continue with my homework and editorial duties, but I leave you with this video of my dream dog, who sits at my feet whining 'cause she can't join her boy, who's outside playing right now. Pity her, the poor thing.

Bye for now!

Progress

It's almost 11:00pm on a wonderful Sunday evening. Just wrapped up watching StarGate, the movie with the fam and now getting ready to snuggle down and fall asleep to (you guessed it!) StarGate SG-1. Hah!

As I sat there watching the movie, I wondered to myself if I would have the gutz to walk through the StarGate. Honestly, I'm not so sure if I would. Today we went to Armstrong Woods with the intent on hiking one of the trails. I haven't done this is over a year and honestly the thought about being out in nature, a good amount of distance from my home, was making me feel more than uncomfortable. When I mentioned to Jess that I'm not feeling much for going on a big hike, he let out a sigh of relief and said he wasn't up to it, either. Good, I thought, 'cause I wasn't sure how well I was going to handle it. So, to answer my question, if I were given the chance to walk through the StarGate today, I would not do it. Right now, my sense of adventure and discovery is clouded with the fog of my anxiety disorder. Best to wait for the fog to lift.

And it's not that these foggy days are taking over my life, infact I've experienced more sunny days than not. However, sometimes it's hard to "roll with the fog", so to speak. I'm still looking deep to try and figure out how I got this way. I've summed it up like this: according to all the pros on Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the onset of the anxiety began after a traumatic event that shook my emotional foundation; however, the stage was set, with a super high-stress lifestyle, including overloading myself with school work, extra activities and volunteer work, leaving little to no time for myself, and even my family. So my brain did what it had to, by shutting me down. Now, I still believe I made it worse when I started investing a "cure" in medications and started on those. I know, now, what I need to do to get better.

So how do I do that? Well, for the longest time, I had no hope because even though I was consistently exposing myself to anxious situations, I lacked a sensation of relief when I accomplished my goal. Lately, however, I've had tremendous progress, especially when I face my fear and go forward. Today was an exception, because I felt like I hadn't pushed myself because we did not go on the hike, so internally, I wouldn't allow myself the satisfaction of feeling accomplished. Yeah, I know. I'm working on it. But I do remember feeling better after we went to the DMV last week, and that was a HUGE amount of stress; it felt so good getting it done and over with, walking out of there intact, and moving on with my life. I've given myself permission to ask for help, ie. have Jesse come with me. I think, in a way, this is designed to bring us closer together, or some bullshit like that.

The point is now I've made so much progress that even my perfectionist-self cannot deny it. I still have my moments/days when I feel like it's the end of the world/I'm overloaded/overstimulated/never going to get better. But I have this great arsenal of tools at my disclosure. My recovery includes going to Al Anon meetings, seeing my counselor, expressing my feelings openly with those around me, eating right, exercising daily, enjoying something (ie going to the river, sewing, reading, etc.), spending quality time with my children, deep breathing, meditating, journaling, blogging, and when I can-exposing myself to anxiety-inducing situations. I'm on my way, and even in this moment of anxiety, I'm feeling awfully optimistic and empowered.

Reassurance

The daily struggles with anxiety can leave a person feeling heavy hearted and sometimes very hopeless. I struggle and battle and succeed and accept anxiety on a daily basis and have been for the past 10 months. There has not been one day in those 10 months that I haven't experienced anxiety, even for just a minute, and I've often thrown myself into the investigatory role, seeking the answers to "why?". Yesterday and today are no different. Anxiety existed, but it wasn't at the forefront of my day. I carried on as normally as I possibly could, completing my goals and tasks for the day. Then, like an animal run out into the road, it was there, and it startled me. The adrenaline continues to resonate, as it did last night and now into this morning.

And quite literally, an animal DID cross my path as I drove, and as I did before, I slammed on the brakes. The opossum stayed put in the middle of the road as my car drove over it, not touching it, sparing it from death. I stopped, dreading that I had killed another innocent animal, only to see it's dark shadow continue across the road. What strikes me as odd with this is I had described the anxiety hitting me as though an animal had suddenly crossed my path. Is this a message? Or just a chance occurrence? I don't know, and I'm tired of speculating.

So I wonder, what caused this animal to cross my path?? What caused anxiety to cross my path?? I think the answer is nothing, it just happens. What reassures me is that there IS no reason, now, because for so long I sought for an answers to only learn that the answer is EVERYTHING. Everything in my life has caused my anxiety to do what it is doing. Everything from over-committing myself to the fights with Jesse to how I ate to the traumas I experienced as a child. Everything is responsible, so now it's time to start the change. I've made efforts in the past, but as usual we gracefully fall back into place of habit and comfort.

My reassurance is I KNOW I won't stay like this forever, although it may be a long long time. I'm not one to just accept that it's my destiny to fear everything and be stuck, in fact most of my frustration comes from how impatient I am with my recovery (a good sign, no?). And while everyday DOES have two handles (faith and anxiety), I am keen to picking up my day by both handles. I have faith in the Universe that I am capable of getting through whatever get's thrown at me. I carry anxiety so it doesn't carry me.

So for today, on this gorgeous sunny, overwhelming-to-the-senses day, I'll take the anxiety as it comes and embrace it. I'll practice my tools for when it gets tough, and I'll still come out of this day alive and well, just like I have for the past 10 months.