Perseverance

Is it weird that I enjoy reading my past blogs?

I woke this am, before anybody else, because my dreams were once again attacking my comfortable state of sleepiness. Right off the bat, like clockwork, the anxiety switch went on. I handled it well, though; just did my breathing and ended up falling back asleep; empty sleep, exactly what I needed.

I read through my blog posts to help give me insight; I forget that I've felt good or that I've felt worse. Realizing this helps me understand that I'm still normal and can function like anybody else, were it not for my ability to tune in to EVERYTHING around me. Maybe that's contributing to the feelings of being overstimulated and overwhelmed?

Yesterday was Jadziah's preschool graduation. She was SO adorable! Perfect little 4-year-old rambling around with her friends, getting her little certificate, showing her big brother around her classroom. It was a proud day yesterday! And yet, Mommy was having her same ol' issues. I did a meditation a couple hours before we left and during it, something occurred to me: DON'T make today about ME! Today is about Jadziah. -- What a concept!

It was such a beautiful day, and sitting on my deck, soaking up the sun, meditating my anxious feelings away, I felt refreshed. I have this desire now to practice meditation daily, to practice yoga and pilates, and do activities that slow my brain down. I find that the worst of anxiety occurs when I'm overstimulated and my brain is in the fast lane. But when I'm physically moving or stretching, it takes me down a few levels to something maintainable. I guess that's why I keep showing up to dance class.

Upon our return home from the party, I felt accomplished and that I can make it through my finals. I've been creating positive scenarios in my head surrounding finals week because I'm going to have to take a BIG leap that week. Twice I'm going to need to drive into Santa Rosa, alone. There's no need for Jesse to come with me, however he can if I need him to. But see the problem, there? Is it too much to ask him to continue being my crutch against anxiety? One year ago, I would have NO problem going into Santa Rosa by myself; I didn't even think twice about it, in fact I did it all. the. time. So what happened?

During the big blowout, I drove back and forth between Guerneville and Santa Rosa more times than I could count. Even though during the drive I felt no anxiety, I believe in there, something was planted, something that I'm still having a hard time understanding. About a week after the kids and I returned home, Jesse and I got into it again, on a school day, and I took off with Jadziah to head to school. I got halfway into Pocket Canyon when all of a sudden I felt like I just couldn't leave Guerneville; I couldn't keep going, 'cause it didn't feel safe leaving. This, I believe was the start of my plight with traveling and being in Santa Rosa.

Even now, however, in light of everything we've accomplished as a couple, a family and individually, those feelings of fear continue. It's a very discouraging feeling when it's been months and it's still there. However, it's not to say that I have not gotten better and am closer to being secure again in my travels. So I've been trying to apply the guided relaxation and meditation to these fears of traveling alone. Yesterday, I had the confidence in myself that I could do it. This morning, just the thought of it sent my insides tumbling and churning. This is an unavoidable event that must happen; I can't NOT show up to finals, but I also cannot drag my poor family along just to accompany Mommy so she doesn't freak out.

This whole thing just isn't fair to anybody. It's not fair to the kids, not fair to Jess, certainly isn't fair to me. And because of this fact, I feel an unsurmountable amount of pressure to get better, and get better quick. Instead, I need to remember to continue persevering, because if I give up, I'm giving up on my family as well.