Breath

...in my nose, my belly rises; out my mouth, belly falls...eventually my brain will recognize that I am ok and it's time to stop the rush of needless adrenaline. Countless times I've done this today, and why? There is no reason why...

Admitting that the anxiety is in my head, not caused by an ailment of my body, it a very difficult concept to process. When something like this is wrong, I'll go searching for answers. Is it thyroid? Is it hormones? The only answer that I've gotten and will continue to get is NO. It's in MY head. But what's making my head react the way it is? What makes it take a perfectly GOOD day, where nothing bad has happened, no fights, no traumas, no nothing; just an ordinary day, and turned it into a mountain to climb? I believe in stress causing a great deal of ailments for humans, and at the moment that is the only root I can grab hold of.

I sat down and evaluated my stress and here's what I've come up with:

3-4 hours homes work every day

14 hours work each week

8 hours gone at school

Remainder belongs to the kids (first), social activities (second) and myself (third).

I'm feeling now that even the simplest commitment becomes another mountain to climb, whether it's simply visiting a friend or showing up for an appointment. Another big stressor I wasn't expecting to experience was the stress of success: my book. The big book signing party is tomorrow and I've felt nervous about it for some time. While I know this is normal, I am frustrated by the poor timing my brain has when it decided to tackle another battle with level 8 anxiety attacks. God, how I wish there was a magical pill that would wipe it all away...but if there were, I probably STILL wouldn't take it, 'cause I hate pills! I hate this! I'm soo SICK OF IT!!!!

I'm so sick of doubting myself, remembering times when I was fine and got through scary situations, and feeling like I'm going to lost it! Am I obsessing? Is this what an obsession is? I don't WANT THIS!!! I never wanted this!!!! I just wanted my family to function in a healthy way, not teetering on the edge of alcoholism and anxiety. I don't want my babies to grow up with a Mom this fucked up! I don't want to leave them, yet sometimes I feel like that's the only way I can get relief! I'm so so so so SOOOOO sick of it! I know I can experience normalcy again....but what did I do to get here? What happened?!

The seeds of hopelessness has be planted long ago and I'm trying to kill that fucking plant....how on Earth do I do that?! And why on Earth does every skill I have stop working after a certain point?! All my skills I've used to calm myself down worked great in the beginning....now, it's like they've become dull, almost to the point of being useless. Visualizing "STOP" or saying "I'm not going there" has helped me more times that you'll know....but now? It's like the anxiety grew in the time those skills worked and it waited for the perfect moment to railroad my off the tracks and into the dust.

All I can do it breath.....that's my only option.

War

As more days pass that I get to experience anxiety and the like, the more theories I come up with to help explain their existence. Sometimes I see it as an ascending spiral, spinning round and round, always revisiting those hard moments. Sometimes I see it as a war: moments of calm between the bombings of battles. I've won numerous battles, and now I'm marching my line into the fire, again, battling yet another onslaught of unexplainable anxiety.

I want to let it go and just move on with my life. I can sit here and ask myself "Why" over and over again, but what good does that bring me? I can sit here and doubt my abilities to overcome it, convincing myself that I'll be crazy the rest of my life. But, what I DEFINITELY can do is breath and tell myself that I can handle this and that it, too, will pass. And it does.

It usually starts in the morning, almost at the instant I wake up and remember I'm conscious and that I can start worrying about stuff. Hah! Then I close my eyes and envision myself somewhere beautiful and calming. After a few moments of that, I feel slightly better and can drag myself out of bed and start my day. I've done these things today, and although the tingling, shaking sensations have yet to leave my body, I feel strong enough to face my day.

This war, however pointless it may seem in the moment, I believe is neccessary for me; I ASKED for change, I ASKED to become a different person; here it is! The bridge between the old me and the new me, masked in a fog of uncertainty, fear and anxiety. A friend of mine once suggested that it might even have something to do with when I was practicing opening my chakras. I suppose it is logical to think that sometimes when we have so much crammed inside us and we start awakening it, it has a tendency to lash-out. And our minds, especially in times of change, function in such a way that protects it from those "dangerous" changes. Knowing all this helps me, tremendously.

I know I won't be this way forever. I know I'll be able to do the things I was once able to. I also know that I need to let these things go for now and do what my mind and body need me to do; rest, relax, and take refuge.

Why

Today I'm back at that question: "WHY?" Why me, why this, why now? Why why why???

I'm so mad I can hardly contain myself!!!

I've gone a couple months now without feeling this persistent state of anxiety, the kind that keeps me in my house, away from friends, out of my job, etc. MONTHS! And now, for no apparent reason, here it is again! I keep telling myself, "you've been here before, you made it through, you'll be ok." But that's just it! I've BEEN there before, never to return!!! WTF???? WHY is this happening to me? WHY now? WHY WHY WHY! I'm so fucking mad, frustrated, scared, all I can do it cry, like a big fucking baby. WHY?

I feel like I'm being tortured by some force...I don't know what would possibly think this shit would be a good idea for me to be going through, but I certainly don't find it amusing or beneficial. I feel like it's going to make me lose my mind and I'll end up in a looney bin. FUCK THAT! That's not where I belong! I belong at home, with my babies, at my job, out with friends, never hesitating at life's opportunities. BUT NO! I'm stuck here in my fucking head! And it won't stop!!! I wish I wish I wish it would just STOP!

I know I'm not supposed to fight this. I'm know I'm supposed to lie low, let the smoke go over my head and out the door until I can muster up the strength and bravery to crawl my way outside. How the fuck do you lay low when holding still is enough to drive you mad? WHY? That's all I want to know!!!

Dirt (Sunshine)

Plot, plot plot and plot some more. Every Spring, the ideas start swirling in my head, plotting the next bumper crop of life I anticipate spending the next few months battling with. This battle, between me and the plants; me, so impatient, and them, so unequivocally unwilling to cooperate and produce anything remotely resembling that of a vegetable. By the end of this battle, I pledge my unwillingness to put myself through it again....and then Spring happens.My fingers and palms are throbbing, the skin feels as though it's going to burst into flames, bubble and explode in little craterous eruptions. But it feels so good! 'Cause it means a new beginning, a new chance to try it again. Not to win the battle, but to not have the battle at all by getting a good start, starting first, with myself.
The sprouting buds of green began midsummer last year, and I began my happy dance. Flowers, finally, flowers! Every girl deserves flowers in her garden, and I FINALLY got mine!!! One by one, they emerged from the dark cradle of earth, and one by one, began their climb to maturity. As the summer days passed and Fall "fell" upon us, the buds of flowers unfolded to reveal the wonderous colors of the Universe within. This happened silently, cautiously, and unnoticed.
These daisies are symbolic of life, that things DO remain and can sustain the harshest of conditions. They've survived scorching heat of late August, and drenching rain and hail storms of Winter. Today, on this day, the daisies of last year remain in my plot of dirt. It was during their infancy that things took a turn for the worst with me, and Jesse, too. It was during their blossoms that we teetered on the edge of annihilation of our marriage. The darkest hours of my life went hand in hand with their relentless Wintery blossoms. I am this garden; the me that I lost in these long, hard six months was embodied into the golden petals of these delicate morsels of nature.
So on this sunshiny day, I worked and worked and worked. I drove my hands deep into the Earth and drew to the surface a whole new Universe of life. After about two hours of laboring away at the hard, crusted soil, it was time to knock off, hit the showers and lay out the rest of the day. Diana beat my to it.
And so did Mary Jane.
I am convinced that bubbles are fish crack. There's no slowing down for these buggers...however, it is quite zen to wake up to the sound of the waterfall in the living room.
And then there's the Dr. Suess sprouts. Twisting and turning this way and that...I'm very concerned that I've wasted $30 on seeds that aren't going to produce a damn thing but Dr. Suess rhymes.