Reassurance

The daily struggles with anxiety can leave a person feeling heavy hearted and sometimes very hopeless. I struggle and battle and succeed and accept anxiety on a daily basis and have been for the past 10 months. There has not been one day in those 10 months that I haven't experienced anxiety, even for just a minute, and I've often thrown myself into the investigatory role, seeking the answers to "why?". Yesterday and today are no different. Anxiety existed, but it wasn't at the forefront of my day. I carried on as normally as I possibly could, completing my goals and tasks for the day. Then, like an animal run out into the road, it was there, and it startled me. The adrenaline continues to resonate, as it did last night and now into this morning.

And quite literally, an animal DID cross my path as I drove, and as I did before, I slammed on the brakes. The opossum stayed put in the middle of the road as my car drove over it, not touching it, sparing it from death. I stopped, dreading that I had killed another innocent animal, only to see it's dark shadow continue across the road. What strikes me as odd with this is I had described the anxiety hitting me as though an animal had suddenly crossed my path. Is this a message? Or just a chance occurrence? I don't know, and I'm tired of speculating.

So I wonder, what caused this animal to cross my path?? What caused anxiety to cross my path?? I think the answer is nothing, it just happens. What reassures me is that there IS no reason, now, because for so long I sought for an answers to only learn that the answer is EVERYTHING. Everything in my life has caused my anxiety to do what it is doing. Everything from over-committing myself to the fights with Jesse to how I ate to the traumas I experienced as a child. Everything is responsible, so now it's time to start the change. I've made efforts in the past, but as usual we gracefully fall back into place of habit and comfort.

My reassurance is I KNOW I won't stay like this forever, although it may be a long long time. I'm not one to just accept that it's my destiny to fear everything and be stuck, in fact most of my frustration comes from how impatient I am with my recovery (a good sign, no?). And while everyday DOES have two handles (faith and anxiety), I am keen to picking up my day by both handles. I have faith in the Universe that I am capable of getting through whatever get's thrown at me. I carry anxiety so it doesn't carry me.

So for today, on this gorgeous sunny, overwhelming-to-the-senses day, I'll take the anxiety as it comes and embrace it. I'll practice my tools for when it gets tough, and I'll still come out of this day alive and well, just like I have for the past 10 months.

War

As more days pass that I get to experience anxiety and the like, the more theories I come up with to help explain their existence. Sometimes I see it as an ascending spiral, spinning round and round, always revisiting those hard moments. Sometimes I see it as a war: moments of calm between the bombings of battles. I've won numerous battles, and now I'm marching my line into the fire, again, battling yet another onslaught of unexplainable anxiety.

I want to let it go and just move on with my life. I can sit here and ask myself "Why" over and over again, but what good does that bring me? I can sit here and doubt my abilities to overcome it, convincing myself that I'll be crazy the rest of my life. But, what I DEFINITELY can do is breath and tell myself that I can handle this and that it, too, will pass. And it does.

It usually starts in the morning, almost at the instant I wake up and remember I'm conscious and that I can start worrying about stuff. Hah! Then I close my eyes and envision myself somewhere beautiful and calming. After a few moments of that, I feel slightly better and can drag myself out of bed and start my day. I've done these things today, and although the tingling, shaking sensations have yet to leave my body, I feel strong enough to face my day.

This war, however pointless it may seem in the moment, I believe is neccessary for me; I ASKED for change, I ASKED to become a different person; here it is! The bridge between the old me and the new me, masked in a fog of uncertainty, fear and anxiety. A friend of mine once suggested that it might even have something to do with when I was practicing opening my chakras. I suppose it is logical to think that sometimes when we have so much crammed inside us and we start awakening it, it has a tendency to lash-out. And our minds, especially in times of change, function in such a way that protects it from those "dangerous" changes. Knowing all this helps me, tremendously.

I know I won't be this way forever. I know I'll be able to do the things I was once able to. I also know that I need to let these things go for now and do what my mind and body need me to do; rest, relax, and take refuge.