So about 9 weeks ago, I had a lightbulb go off in my head. Jess and I were lying here in bed, just chattin' it up, when it crossed my mind that I should breach the subject of us relocating our family to an area that might better improve our quality of life...Santa Rosa. Hah!
After sometime of convincing him, he agreed. In fact, he agreed so much, he hasn't even looked back. However, I'm the one having the detachment issues. Oye.
Every morning for the past few days has felt like Groundhog Day. Pretty much since my last day at my job (that's when shit got real), I've been stuck in this cycle.
One thing about my particular issues with anxiety that I've noticed is that having plans, regardless of how hard or stressful they may be, has always helped me feel stabilized and secure about my life. Lately, however, the plans have fallen into the "play it by ear" category; ergo, NOTHING gets done because I'm running around, spinning, completely incapable of getting one project fully accomplished. So I'm thinking now it's time to schedule the mundane tasks of my day so I can at least feel like it's a job, or something more concrete.
I'm quite anxious about the move, now. Moreso about the adjustment to not being near my river, or under my redwoods and near friends. I'm actually falling apart about it silently inside. It started when we saw the place on Tuesday; I knew it was the place we were going to live in; it's small, it's a bit dark, but there's some nice amenities to it. It certainly isn't anything I'd want to live in for more than a year. But overall, it made me so deeply and thoroughly depressed.
I knew this was going to happen, so I'm just going to let it happen. If I start to feel panicky, I just stop what I'm doing and retreat to my place of safety. I go through all my relaxation practices and eventually (like, around 10pm!) I start to feel more safe and secure.
Part of the reason we're moving to Santa Rosa is so I can begin to really address the anxiety issues I have with my comfort zones. I figure if I'm there, I can slowly make my circle bigger there and get to the point where I can explore places more comfortably and on my own and be more at peace with my family exploring the world without me at their side. However now, this part of me is in deep regret and trying hard to approach panic mode...but I won't let it.
Overall, the adjustment that I'm yet having to experience is what's getting my brain on tilt. Will I get worse? Will I get better? Will I have sacrificed the comfort of my family unnecessarily for my own benefit? And then what if it doesn't work? This is the first time in a long while that I've felt this unsure and this insecure about myself and my mental stability. Perhaps I should look into a low dose coping medication....hah, or just keep swimming.
A young Californian, a mother trying to find her way through a forest of anxiety, children, dirty laundry, a wife trying to create the balance and harmony that is deserved of my marriage, a woman trying to find a sense of belonging and "my place."
Friday, August 3, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
California Dreamin'
I dreamt last night that we were moving to LA, and I was busy settling my mother-in-law into her new little granny unit. It was unsettling because part of me was wondering why I wasn't feeling any anxiety about being so far away from what I call "home" and why I was so eager and excited to start exploring the hills. I did end up getting lost in LA and asked a museum worker to help me get back to "Granny's Attic", a store that was around the corner from my mother-in-law's...The woman knew I wasn't from around and asked me where I came from. I looked off towards the sun setting over the ocean and saw the silhouette of redwood-clad hills and began to cry, saying I miss my river. And I really did miss my river...
On occasion I'll have a dream that we've moved or will be moving and I always feel that painful tug at my heartstrings. But lately I've really been thinking about us uprooting and changing scene. Mainly so we could have a better opportunity economically, however the cons at this point certainly outweigh the pros. Our children are vested in their school, and they're at that age where uprooting them could prove more traumatic than beneficial. We've learned from the past that a change of scene doesn't help the situation, but rather aggravates it. In fact, any sort of "change" seems to aggravate our little family unit.
Since the time I started going to school at age 5, I've been asked what I want to do with my life. I believe this is one of the cruelest and most useless question to ask of a child. To figure out at such a young age what they want to subject themselves to, supposedly, for the rest of their life, and as a vehicle for economic status no less, is unrealistic and puts far too much pressure on the child. I wanted to be a musician, or an artist, or a dancer...something that "doesn't pay very well" and was told that I should choose something else that would give me the economic standing that one needs in this society. So for the rest of my life, I'm doubting everything I choose (because I am still that artistic, creative and flighty little girl that I've always been) is contrasted by the expectation that I need to subdue myself in a Nine-to-Five job in order to support my family. This is the typical way of doing things.
Yesterday, I was poking around the College website, looking at classes for the Fall Semester, when I became overcome with frustration and anxiety. The fact is, I've been going to school for 4 years, and only need 2 more classes to get my AA, I've fallen short of the expectation I placed on myself. SO naturally, I don't want to complete what I've finished. I've explored many different career options and each one has fallen through. After beating myself up about the Fall Semester, I decided to go on CraigsList to search for employment opportunities. I found a position that I more than qualify for, but because it's located too far away, I've immediately blocked myself from the prospect of attaining that job.
I'm torn between what's important for my family and what's important for me to feel any self-worth. Since I grew up with middle-class parents, this life of poverty and being on assistance has inflated my guilt. Do I sacrifice time with my family for a job that will provide for them? Is that even possible in this 21st Century economy? Or will I be spinning in circles? Working for the sake of working, but with no reward? This is the reality of my dream to be a good mother, wife and citizen of the world.
On occasion I'll have a dream that we've moved or will be moving and I always feel that painful tug at my heartstrings. But lately I've really been thinking about us uprooting and changing scene. Mainly so we could have a better opportunity economically, however the cons at this point certainly outweigh the pros. Our children are vested in their school, and they're at that age where uprooting them could prove more traumatic than beneficial. We've learned from the past that a change of scene doesn't help the situation, but rather aggravates it. In fact, any sort of "change" seems to aggravate our little family unit.
Since the time I started going to school at age 5, I've been asked what I want to do with my life. I believe this is one of the cruelest and most useless question to ask of a child. To figure out at such a young age what they want to subject themselves to, supposedly, for the rest of their life, and as a vehicle for economic status no less, is unrealistic and puts far too much pressure on the child. I wanted to be a musician, or an artist, or a dancer...something that "doesn't pay very well" and was told that I should choose something else that would give me the economic standing that one needs in this society. So for the rest of my life, I'm doubting everything I choose (because I am still that artistic, creative and flighty little girl that I've always been) is contrasted by the expectation that I need to subdue myself in a Nine-to-Five job in order to support my family. This is the typical way of doing things.
Yesterday, I was poking around the College website, looking at classes for the Fall Semester, when I became overcome with frustration and anxiety. The fact is, I've been going to school for 4 years, and only need 2 more classes to get my AA, I've fallen short of the expectation I placed on myself. SO naturally, I don't want to complete what I've finished. I've explored many different career options and each one has fallen through. After beating myself up about the Fall Semester, I decided to go on CraigsList to search for employment opportunities. I found a position that I more than qualify for, but because it's located too far away, I've immediately blocked myself from the prospect of attaining that job.
I'm torn between what's important for my family and what's important for me to feel any self-worth. Since I grew up with middle-class parents, this life of poverty and being on assistance has inflated my guilt. Do I sacrifice time with my family for a job that will provide for them? Is that even possible in this 21st Century economy? Or will I be spinning in circles? Working for the sake of working, but with no reward? This is the reality of my dream to be a good mother, wife and citizen of the world.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thursday_Schmurzday
1. I'm attempting to read two books at once: Little Alters Everywhere and 50 Shades of Grey. Been really looking forward to the latter one.
2. Stupid cat is sitting on my desk. I've resorted to accept that any flat surface in my house, whether it be the kitchen counter or a t-shirt drawer left open, is fair game to my incredibly lazy, hairy cats. Their fur is a whole other level of evil....painter's tape companies love my cats.
3. My left nostril is trying to divorce my face by sending a vortex of cold, throbbing pain up through to my brain and out my mouth, giving my horrendous cotton mouth. "EwGod! What's that smell? Someone left a can of beans out!"
4. I've listed my textbooks on Amazon for the first time ever! Hawaiian vacation, here I come!
5. $15 flat-soled sandals from PayLess are the worst thing ever to happen to my feet, especially when I had to walk 3 miles today.
6. My stupid bitch-dog has a puffy taco, and that entitles her to eat the garbage in the bathroom....right?
7. Lucky number. Time to go to bed.
2. Stupid cat is sitting on my desk. I've resorted to accept that any flat surface in my house, whether it be the kitchen counter or a t-shirt drawer left open, is fair game to my incredibly lazy, hairy cats. Their fur is a whole other level of evil....painter's tape companies love my cats.
3. My left nostril is trying to divorce my face by sending a vortex of cold, throbbing pain up through to my brain and out my mouth, giving my horrendous cotton mouth. "EwGod! What's that smell? Someone left a can of beans out!"
4. I've listed my textbooks on Amazon for the first time ever! Hawaiian vacation, here I come!
5. $15 flat-soled sandals from PayLess are the worst thing ever to happen to my feet, especially when I had to walk 3 miles today.
6. My stupid bitch-dog has a puffy taco, and that entitles her to eat the garbage in the bathroom....right?
7. Lucky number. Time to go to bed.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Beyond help
It's not very often that I will pick up a book and read it non-stop, and this can be for so many reasons. I never understood why my mother liked reading so much, I mean, didn't she know that TV was so much better? I bought "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett from the local bookstore when I had a bit of money left over from our tax return. I had seen the trailer for the movie, but decided that I'd go a different route and read the book instead.
I laid in bed all day with the flu and decided to finish the last 200 pages and I've just now finished the last page of the book. There's so many emotions....many of them too heavy for my heart to bear. I think about these women and even though they're fictitious, it doesn't mean they've never existed. The guts it takes to speak up and change the way society thinks about thinks, these invisible lines, inspires me to look deeper into myself.
I've always considered myself fairly even-ended when it comes to discrimination. I grew up in a town that had a strong homosexual presence, so because of that, I thought myself fairly well rounded. Truth it, I'm far from it, and in fact my issues with my fellow humans beings tend to be the very issues I have with myself.
If one were to take a collection of all the friends I've ever had and profile them based on their ethnicity, my pie chart would be mainly Causacian. But was that by choice? Or is it a result of geographic circumstance? I remember as a young girl, playing with my Barbies, and I recall thinking "what if my hair was brown, like my best friend Elizabeth's?" I felt very sorry for Elizabeth because all the pretty Barbies only had blonde hair...and peach skin, at that. Oh, and they were straight, too, and nasty bitches to each other. It's these things that I reflect on now as I'm maturing and aging into an adult that I realize how skewed my reality really is.
I laid in bed all day with the flu and decided to finish the last 200 pages and I've just now finished the last page of the book. There's so many emotions....many of them too heavy for my heart to bear. I think about these women and even though they're fictitious, it doesn't mean they've never existed. The guts it takes to speak up and change the way society thinks about thinks, these invisible lines, inspires me to look deeper into myself.
I've always considered myself fairly even-ended when it comes to discrimination. I grew up in a town that had a strong homosexual presence, so because of that, I thought myself fairly well rounded. Truth it, I'm far from it, and in fact my issues with my fellow humans beings tend to be the very issues I have with myself.
If one were to take a collection of all the friends I've ever had and profile them based on their ethnicity, my pie chart would be mainly Causacian. But was that by choice? Or is it a result of geographic circumstance? I remember as a young girl, playing with my Barbies, and I recall thinking "what if my hair was brown, like my best friend Elizabeth's?" I felt very sorry for Elizabeth because all the pretty Barbies only had blonde hair...and peach skin, at that. Oh, and they were straight, too, and nasty bitches to each other. It's these things that I reflect on now as I'm maturing and aging into an adult that I realize how skewed my reality really is.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Laughingly laughs
Here's some real belly busters I've found in my merry adventures on the Internets.
1. Europeans and Party Poopers
2. I wouldn't mind having some of them for Christmas.
3. Because THIS is what's wrong with our country.
4. Yet THIS is everything that's right with the country.
Brought to you by the Centers for Procrastination. You may now return to your mind-numbing, pointless homework assignments.
1. Europeans and Party Poopers
2. I wouldn't mind having some of them for Christmas.
3. Because THIS is what's wrong with our country.
4. Yet THIS is everything that's right with the country.
Brought to you by the Centers for Procrastination. You may now return to your mind-numbing, pointless homework assignments.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Bursting
Wow, it's been a while. Sorry 'bout that all you imaginary readers out there. You know who you are.
I've been sitting in bed for the past 2 1/2 hours pounding out some work on the Sonoma County Gazette's blog, periodically interrupted by my goofy, gropey husband and his wet slobbery kisses (I think he took lessons from a dog at some point in his life), Brown Cow yogurt with Vanilla Cherry Granola from Food For Humans swimming around in my belly, and the beginnings of a tension headache caused by GOD.KNOWS.WHAT! I'm bursting at the seams with thought.
Thought #1: Why is my heart rate so high when all I've been doing is sitting in bed?
Good questions, ol' brain of mine. The only logical explanation I can muster is that the usual process nowadays when I have an anxious thought is matched with an equally uncomfortable physical reaction. What's that law of physics again? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Well, in my case, I think anxiously, my body reacts anxiously. So then the question remains, why think anxiously? I dunno...I guess after a lifetime of always bomeranging to the land of Wort Case Scenario can set someone up for this pretty nasty habit. GAWD how I miss cigarettes!
Thought #2: I want a cigarette!
It's been over 5 1/2 years since my last puff off a cigarette and believe me, it was for the better. I was pregnant with my daughter, and having just quit, I swore I'd never go back. Until anxiety kicked in. Now I've read that stimulants such as sugar, caffeine and nicotine can make anxiety WORSE, and while I believe it, part of me (that junkie part) is trying to justify this urge because it will give me something else to obsess on. Crazy right? Boy do I WANT a cigarette!
Thought #3: Holy shit, it's almost Christmas time, yet it still doesn't feel like Christmas 'cause it's not raining cats and dogs!
Seriously, this is March weather, cold but sunny. NOT December! That happy-fuzzy-Christmas feeling STILL hasn't sunk in. I'm usually a total crafting basketcase this time of the year, but there's something in my internal clockwork saying, "Nope, not time to start making stuff, yet. You still have plenty of time. It's not Christmas!" WTH??? Realistically, I've got about 1 week left and I haven't even started making my stuff. First I start by making a list, and since I'm such a list-junkie I'm really surprised that hasn't happened yet! Then more lists of what I need followed by lists of people to give, cookie ingredients, card ideas, crafty crafty crafty madness! Oh, if only there were an extra 24 hours in the day!
Thought #4: Making a living.
Five years ago, I was working weekends at the Chamber, brining my newborn baby girl to work with me. I had my own apartment, Jesse has a decent job and life was easy and simple. Life is still simple, and yet, I feel like I've outgrown it. Like a pubescent girl wearing clothes that don't fit her anymore, I'm still so attached to the prospects of easy, simple living in a small town; but there's no money in that. Now I can rant and rave about how I hate money and wish we lived on a barter system and blah blah blah, but that fact is we don't and money is GOD and if you don't have any, then you suck (and apparently are evil, too). And while I love what I do at my job, it just isn't enough to sustain myself and my family independent from assistance programs. Unlike what most of America thinks about families on assistance, I have a desire to be rid of them FOR GOOD! The lack of privacy or ability to drag yourself out of the depths of poverty is maddening and is what leads to fraud of the system. I wish for the day when I get to call my worker and say, "Thanks for all you've done, but please remove me. I can handle my own, now." Five years and counting...things are seeming a bit dreary and hopeless. I look to my inspirations, Dooce.com, Regretsy.com and DigThisChickMT.com for guidance.
Thought #5: Getting my ass moving on projects.
What causes laziness? No, really, I'm serious/curious! What possesses us humans to take all our potential and energy, ball it up in a nice neat package of depression and self-pity and shove it up our ass? And then we SIT on our ass, just to make sure it doesn't escape. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm one of the laziest people I know, and it is a mood thing. Dreary mornings lead to lazy launches of the day; such as this one. While not dreary, I'm slightly overwhelmed with the various projects I've left unfinished. Time for a little constructive procrastination. Set you mind to something, but do something else instead. I suppose as long as you're doing something, it's not procrastination. OH! I know, I'll make another list!
Last Thought for the day (not really): Anxiety sucks but can be good for you.
[See TIME Magazine's Covers from Dec. 5th; pay close attention to the US cover!]
Those of you who've been following my blog since the beginning (or can at least maneuver through the archives) know that I have been living with a problem with anxiety for some time now. The past few months (hence the no blogging) have been going really well, with minimal setbacks. Last week's setback brought me to a place I didn't want to go to ever again: hopeless. I kept beating myself up, saying that even after 1 year I'm still no better than I was before, blah blah blah. Then I realized just how much I beat myself up. I'm worse on myself than I am on anybody else! If it's not perfect, it's a failure. Wow! Where did THAT come from? Well, right now, that's not important (Mom & Dad), but what is important and that I realized all the many times I begged and pleaded with Life (God, Universe, whoever) to make me better, make me stronger, saner, nicer, happier, wiser...I got an answer. My dealings with anxiety are daily, ongoing and exhausting because I'm constantly fighting the urge to panic. I've often wondered what would happen if I just let it go? After 14 months of trying to hold on, I'd say it's time I start letting go and letting God take over. Hard habit to kick, I suppose. Good thing I'm a quick learner.
I've been sitting in bed for the past 2 1/2 hours pounding out some work on the Sonoma County Gazette's blog, periodically interrupted by my goofy, gropey husband and his wet slobbery kisses (I think he took lessons from a dog at some point in his life), Brown Cow yogurt with Vanilla Cherry Granola from Food For Humans swimming around in my belly, and the beginnings of a tension headache caused by GOD.KNOWS.WHAT! I'm bursting at the seams with thought.
Thought #1: Why is my heart rate so high when all I've been doing is sitting in bed?
Good questions, ol' brain of mine. The only logical explanation I can muster is that the usual process nowadays when I have an anxious thought is matched with an equally uncomfortable physical reaction. What's that law of physics again? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Well, in my case, I think anxiously, my body reacts anxiously. So then the question remains, why think anxiously? I dunno...I guess after a lifetime of always bomeranging to the land of Wort Case Scenario can set someone up for this pretty nasty habit. GAWD how I miss cigarettes!
Thought #2: I want a cigarette!
Thought #3: Holy shit, it's almost Christmas time, yet it still doesn't feel like Christmas 'cause it's not raining cats and dogs!
Seriously, this is March weather, cold but sunny. NOT December! That happy-fuzzy-Christmas feeling STILL hasn't sunk in. I'm usually a total crafting basketcase this time of the year, but there's something in my internal clockwork saying, "Nope, not time to start making stuff, yet. You still have plenty of time. It's not Christmas!" WTH??? Realistically, I've got about 1 week left and I haven't even started making my stuff. First I start by making a list, and since I'm such a list-junkie I'm really surprised that hasn't happened yet! Then more lists of what I need followed by lists of people to give, cookie ingredients, card ideas, crafty crafty crafty madness! Oh, if only there were an extra 24 hours in the day!
Thought #4: Making a living.
Five years ago, I was working weekends at the Chamber, brining my newborn baby girl to work with me. I had my own apartment, Jesse has a decent job and life was easy and simple. Life is still simple, and yet, I feel like I've outgrown it. Like a pubescent girl wearing clothes that don't fit her anymore, I'm still so attached to the prospects of easy, simple living in a small town; but there's no money in that. Now I can rant and rave about how I hate money and wish we lived on a barter system and blah blah blah, but that fact is we don't and money is GOD and if you don't have any, then you suck (and apparently are evil, too). And while I love what I do at my job, it just isn't enough to sustain myself and my family independent from assistance programs. Unlike what most of America thinks about families on assistance, I have a desire to be rid of them FOR GOOD! The lack of privacy or ability to drag yourself out of the depths of poverty is maddening and is what leads to fraud of the system. I wish for the day when I get to call my worker and say, "Thanks for all you've done, but please remove me. I can handle my own, now." Five years and counting...things are seeming a bit dreary and hopeless. I look to my inspirations, Dooce.com, Regretsy.com and DigThisChickMT.com for guidance.
Thought #5: Getting my ass moving on projects.
What causes laziness? No, really, I'm serious/curious! What possesses us humans to take all our potential and energy, ball it up in a nice neat package of depression and self-pity and shove it up our ass? And then we SIT on our ass, just to make sure it doesn't escape. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm one of the laziest people I know, and it is a mood thing. Dreary mornings lead to lazy launches of the day; such as this one. While not dreary, I'm slightly overwhelmed with the various projects I've left unfinished. Time for a little constructive procrastination. Set you mind to something, but do something else instead. I suppose as long as you're doing something, it's not procrastination. OH! I know, I'll make another list!
Last Thought for the day (not really): Anxiety sucks but can be good for you.
[See TIME Magazine's Covers from Dec. 5th; pay close attention to the US cover!]
Those of you who've been following my blog since the beginning (or can at least maneuver through the archives) know that I have been living with a problem with anxiety for some time now. The past few months (hence the no blogging) have been going really well, with minimal setbacks. Last week's setback brought me to a place I didn't want to go to ever again: hopeless. I kept beating myself up, saying that even after 1 year I'm still no better than I was before, blah blah blah. Then I realized just how much I beat myself up. I'm worse on myself than I am on anybody else! If it's not perfect, it's a failure. Wow! Where did THAT come from? Well, right now, that's not important (Mom & Dad), but what is important and that I realized all the many times I begged and pleaded with Life (God, Universe, whoever) to make me better, make me stronger, saner, nicer, happier, wiser...I got an answer. My dealings with anxiety are daily, ongoing and exhausting because I'm constantly fighting the urge to panic. I've often wondered what would happen if I just let it go? After 14 months of trying to hold on, I'd say it's time I start letting go and letting God take over. Hard habit to kick, I suppose. Good thing I'm a quick learner.
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